short post to help those who can’t seem to get over that ex. Go away. No seriously. Take a holiday. I did. And the distance made me realize I didn’t actually miss him. How can I love someone I don’t miss?! I can’t. And click. I felt so much lighter (cliche right?). Now I can be friends on now with him. And bizarrely. I couldn’t give a fuck anymore. 
Also. Fucking someone else is pretty amazing too to forget. 


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My mood

Mad Girl’s Love SongSylvia Plath 
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

I lift my lids and all is born again,

(I think I made you up inside my head),
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in,

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed,

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane,

(I think I made you up inside my head),
God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade,

Exit seraphim and Satan’s men,

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,
I fancied you’d return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name,

(I think I made you up inside my head),
I should have loved a thunderbird instead,

At least when spring comes they roar back again,

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

(I think I made you up inside my head),

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I like it when his fingers trace the outline of my body when I lay in bed. 
Or when he blows on the back of my neck. 
I like it when he hurriedly takes off my clothes with his shaking hands. 
The way he lays his forehead against mine when he’s drunk too much. And kisses me there too. 
The way he holds me when I sleep. And grabs me closer when I shiver. 
The way he looked at me when he was happy. 

I loved scratching your beardy bits.

But I hate this all just as much because they now live on as only memories. 
Now I sleep with your ghost. Right here next to me. In the side you uses to sleep. He’s not as warm. He’s not as pretty. But he never hurts me the way you do. 

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Oh how Dylan Thomas has pierced my mind !

“I love you so much I’ll never be able to tell you; I’m frightened to tell you. I can always feel your heart. Dance tunes are always right: I love you body and soul: —and I suppose body means that I want to touch you and be in bed with you, and i suppose soul means that i can hear you and see you and love you in every single, single thing in the whole world asleep or awake”

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The eternal quest ?

We all go through life asking us the same questions, now of course I am speaking from a western opinion, but in essence, all around the world we ask ourselves the same question : will I ever be happy? What is happiness? Many philosophers say that true happiness doesn’t truly exist. Maybe as a race we are all programme to want what we can’t have, and when we do get what we pined for after a long battle, we come to the realisation we neither want or desire it anymore. I’m not so sure that life is that black and white, but it is undeniable that we are always left wanting.

Happiness is of course different for everyone, and some people don’t have the luxury of dreaming of a bigger house, a great family, trips around the world etc. Some are content (and the use of this word is capital here) with having access to food and water, and having clothes on their backs. But it any case, we always aspire to more than what we have. Our life is an eternal quest to achieve, gain, hold, have something, someone.

I can’t help but look around and see how monotonous life can become when you have no drive, but I realise now that I am judging people. I know I want more from life. I want to see the world, I want to have a great job, a bit of money and maybe one day the possibility to love and be loved in return. The actuality of that happening is up in the air. Life is what you make it, but we are all limited, not only by ourselves and the hand we have been dealt, but also our surroundings. If I was born in a favela in brazil, would I have had the luxury of being able to do three degrees, live in a variety of countries and pick and choose what clothes I wear and what food I eat? Certainly not. What we should appreciate is that to start with we are all given the possibility to better ourselves, strive and to hope. It’s hope that eventually kicks us up the arse and tells us that we shouldn’t be satisfied… but it is also a curse. Hope can motivate you but also push you to want more and more, in essence it is the american dream. Opportunities are not open to everyone, not everyone is born equal, be it intellectually, materially, physically etc.

Always wanting and striving for me, can leave you disenchanted, depressed and dissatisfied with yourself, but it can also motivate you and you can reap the benefits later on in life. I suppose it all comes down to you. Do you know yourself well enough to try your best to do what  you want? Who knows. We all however do live in an eternal pursuit of happiness.

I for one, am on the quest to rid my life of all miasma the surrounds and is in me. I am purging myself of all negativity and trying to be better. I’m certainly not perfect, but I am tired of sitting on my laurels and expect things to happen to me. I am the only actor in my life. I hope my life doesn’t end in car crash, but I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment either. I’m trying to get to know myself, which seems a weird concept, but even if we need others to know ourselves through the eyes of others, a bit of introspection can never go amiss. What saddens me the most, and what I strive to fight against, are those moments where you close your eyes and remember a happy moment. I’m talking about disappointment when you look back, and remember a moment that made you happy and now you look back and realise you cannot get that back. I feel a pang of pure pain shooting through me and I hate it. It’s great to have felt happiness, but it hurts much more when you can no longer re-achieve that specific moment, because it’s finished. Kaput.

The only solution for us all, is to look to the future and take solace in the fact that we are never alone, and that someone, some place and at some point, someone has felt the same. It does not deaden the pain, but it makes me that much more bearable.

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Ignorance is bliss

It’s a rather sad tale today, but one I believe at last has an ending. I don’t feel in the mood to go on and philosophise about it, so I think I’ll do a mix of bullet points and random phrases.

– They whole thing with Mr T started badly, clearly, but what I should have seen is that he never gave a shit about anyone (true fact). He is a good liar. Who knew alcoholics could?

– I believed something more was possible, but it is not the case.

– I made the mistake of letting him back in my life, but as per usual, all he wanted/needed from me was attention. Nothing else. And I blindly thought he enjoyed my company.

– Lately we had been spending more time together and I thought, getting to know each other really. Well hell no. He doesn’t know me. Called me a whore (for sleeping with people… but we were never dating… so what?) Also, I accidentally saw a message where he insulted me and basically said he didn’t give a shit.

– What it goes to show is he never gave a shit about me, friendship wise or anything. Always running after someone else.

– I have to remember the bad parts, because there were good parts, but who knows how he felt? Nothing probably.

– It’s strange, because he would do one nice thing, and then it all fucked up.

– The only solution I can find is just not spending time with him. He is a toxic leech, and I am not strong enough for him to suck me dry.

– Can you believe, the day my dog of 12 years died, he preferred to talk about himself all night? He even called me a whore and when I walked out of his house… he called me a child for not wanting to talk.

– I feel pain right now, but I know it would never have lasted, not with me, not with anyone, because truly he is not ready, he has no professional drive nor does anyone want to date an alcoholic. It’s one thing to enjoy a drink. Another to do what he does, and drink to his grave. It’s a sad reality.

– He is also clearly toxic to his other friends, some of them have come up to me and said that they are tired of him, don’t care any more about his well-being, and for some they know that he is slowing paving a way to his death.

– I am, and will always be to him “some english bird I slept with”. To me, he will be the first guy my heart wanted. But, I don’t think I regret it, because I have grown, I have had emotions I never have had. And now I am hurting, but for some reason less, ad maybe because I have access more into his head, and I have spent more time with him, and I can see that he is a dead-beat with no drive. It’s not a life I want. I want to travel the world and enjoy myself, not drink my way through my dole money.

– I am feeling hopeful that I will find someone, and his friends say the same, they said I can obviously find someone better, because it’s hide to sink lower.

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It takes time

Sometimes it can take you months to get to that weird bizarrely happy place in your mind. Imagine sitting on a comfy chair surrounded by books, nice food and great people. That’s my happy place. Well, I’ve just got there. It’s taken me months to get there, but even if life isn’t perfect, I feel better than I have done in months. The anxiety has practically gone and my studies are actually really good at the moment. I’ve found some new cookbooks to try out some amazing recipes. I’ve been out with all my friends and it’s so nice to have people around you who love you. I’m enjoying drinking and going out and enjoying illicit substances and fuck it. Life is pretty sweet. I’m planning a month long trip to Canada and the United States and I can’t wait.

One thing that upsets me a bit is the loneliness that can follow you around, even if you have tons of people that surround you. Sure I want to find someone, but I don’t want just anybody. It’s better to be alone than settling for just anyone. I was I think in love with someone, and it did not end well. Why? Who knows. But what I do know is that I am too good and too kind for a guy that treats me like a play toy. I realised in our story that I could never be the woman he wanted, because I was there. He needed the chase, it was too easy with me. It was nothing to do with personality or even body shape. Even if the little voice in my head is saying “he doesn’t like you because you’re ugly, fat, etc etc”, the reasonable side of me knows that that isn’t true. I miss him, but I don’t want to be friends. Why? I’m not ready. But part of me feels that he doesn’t get to have my friendship as a consolation prize. I’m too kind, generous and nice. I feel used and he knows it. He doesn’t try to show me that I’m important to him at all. So I know that the only way to continue is to forget. It will be hard. I suppose the hardest part is his blindness. He’s too blind to realise that we could be great together, but he prefers to run after a ghost. Who, in my opinion is not good enough for him (even though, let’s be honest, he’s the definition of a leech, at least with me). Why? Because (what you need to know is that he threw me away for her) in my opinion, if you love someone, you don’t fuck their friends. You don’t ignore them for them for months, and you don’t manipulate him into talking to you again, cause you dumped his friend you were fucking a few weeks before. The thing is, you need to understand psychology. Why did she “reconnect” with him? Because she needs to have fun when she gets to my city. He’s a good time. He’ll buy her drinks. She get drunk and she’ll fuck him. A good time. It’s a sad reality, but that’s the only thing I can see.

But, it’s none of my business. Because I realise I’m too good for him, and getting to that place took over a year, and I’m feeling so much more free. I feel fucking good about it. Yeah I lost a friend and a lover, and someone who I could really see having a future with (if he sorted out some of his shit first). But, I still have time, and in the end, you are never truly alone, you just need to know who to turn to.

Every day read a new page in a book. Try a new dish. Smile at someone. Dance for no reason. Discover a new street. New music. I’m doing anything and everything now. And it feels great, but it would be nice to have someone to hold your hand while you go on new adventures, and to watch a movie with while eating chinese food with, but who knows? It could be anyone! For now, I have a stuffed monkey!

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