Monthly Archives: April 2011

Unhappiness


Today’s post is proof that people have no boundaries when it comes to hurting others.

Lately I made a conscience decision to rid myself of the people that hurt me the most in my life. It made me sad, but because it was I who made the decision, it was more of a sadness that was close to disappointment. Todays sadness has more to do with unhappiness than disappointment.

Since I have been back from my exchange trip from Sweden, I have been wanting to meet up with a friend. This person (I’m going to stay neutral) kept on ignoring me, and when we made plans would conveniently “forget”. I know that many people would have given up, but I am who I am and I was under the impression that when you care about someone, you try your best. Well I did. I eventually asked that person why after three months we still haven’t met up. They said “Because, I just don’t have the desire to see you as much as before”.

I can hear my mother telling me not to bother. That people like this are not worth my time. That I am better than this.

But why the fuck does it hurt so much? Why am I crying in front of my pc while I am writing this? Why am I thinking of when I was fourteen and suicidal again? Why in the past year have I met so many people who I get along with? And why are the friends I had for longer treating me like shit? Why am I losing friends?

I’m am so afraid that I can only get along with “new” people. That my “old” friends get bored or hate me. I hate being this depressed and sad person, but why do people hurt others?

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Unspecific Gender Satisfaction… No One’s Getting Any…


For once. I’m not even talking about sex. Well… not directly at least. Yes, yes I am aware my latest posts have been… popular culture orientated… but that is mostly due to the fact that I haven’t got much time to research or travel lately… So unless you want a rehashing of what’s happening on the news, relationship advice is what you are all getting!

Satisfaction… what is it? Well… let me look on my trendy and useful dictionary !

Satisfaction…

In other words… satisfaction comes down to “fulfilment”… if only it was that easy! Because, satisfaction is a more complicated concept. In order to be deemed “satisfied” one has to know what they want… and for many of us, that is the problem. Of course if I walk past a bakery and I see a chocolate cake it’s easy to say “mmm that looks delicious, I’m going to buy it and eat it”. Thus, satisfaction here is obtained not only by the purchase of the cake, but also its consumption. But, is it possible to have what we want… and still be unsatisfied?

To quench ones thirst, one must drink. But does that mean that after we have drank that we are left not wanting more? The problem really is if we are satiated… or even worse. I have my cake… I have eaten it (or drank my glass of water) but if I see something I want more/better… am I still quenched or will I always need more?

This is desire.

Satisfaction and desire is thus intertwined… as well as the sensation of fulfilment.

What I have noticed lately is how the human race toys with each other forever wanting and abandoning what they no longer desire. It is no longer about having ones cake and eating it so to speak, but it is far worse. We are no longer “happy” with what we can have, or what we see. We forever want what we cannot have, or even unhappy once we have what we previously wanted. Love, sex, relationship, men, women… everything is now at risk of this.

In other words, girl meets guy. Both girl and guy like each other, but in order to not seem too keen (for example) both play a game of cat and mouse. Guy chases girl. She pretends to be uninterested. Guy stop chasing girl. Girl is disappointed that the guy has stopped playing. She starts chasing Guy. Guy stops reacting… When does the game stop? Seriously. This situation is absolutely ridiculous. BUT WE ALL DO IT! Everyone has the same “social makeup”. We all want what we can’t have, and as soon as we get it… we no longer want it. This particular example, I’m living it RIGHT NOW! It’s annoying. Boy starts to act very “aloof”… and Roxy starts to wonder if guy doesn’t liker her any more… and spends the day waiting and watching to see him online in the hpe that guy will talk to her.

He doesn’t.

And so continues the game… until one of the participants thinks “Argh this is no longer worth my time”. And promptly gives up. The sad thing is this situation, is that there could be more than one reason for the game. Here are the solutions (in case you didn’t already know)! :

1) He is STILL playing the “I’m-going-to-pretend-I-don’t-really-like-you-to-keep-you-keen” game,
2) He has gotten bored and is no longer interested,
3) He was just playing in the beginning to see the reaction of the girl,
4) Or… out of pure sport

In other words… either he likes you… or he doesn’t. But the problem here is not just the premise of the game but the fact that we all crave the drama.  Men, women everyone loves it. We lap it up all the time. Why do you think stupid soap operas are popular? Everyone knows the stories are insane and pushed to the limit of the possible and the probable… but we all love it. We love it because we like the chase. We all want to feel desired. We all want to feel the satisfaction of winning. We love the romance, and more importantly… without the chase, love and lust would be boring. Even I will admit that it isn’t sexy if a guy comes up to you and tell you he wants to “go out with you/make out/have sex” etc. Every girl will prefer waiting at the bar and being bought drinks while a man flirts. She is most of the time uninterested… but hey, who says no to free drinks? Not many. Since the dawn of time there has been “courtship”… and yeah sure, we no longer are princesses waiting to be married off to some prince… but we still want the guy to run after us (and vice-versa).

That said, there is a problem we should elucidate… we may all like the drama… but we should all learn that there’s no point to games. Stop before the games get boring. For me… this guy may be busy, but I’m too old (ok I’m 22… but I’ve been at this quite a while now!) to be strung along for no reason… so I have sent my last email… now the balls’ in his court. We may all have the idea that we have to fight for love, and I am the first to admit that if I like someone, I want them to know. But no one wants to go on a fools errand. We all get to that point where we become Ponce Pilate. You know who I’m talking about. The guy who washed his hands when asked to make a judgement on what should be done about Jesus. Well, everyone has a limit, and when you get to that limit… everyone washes their hands.

Even though my hands are still dirty, I’m going to wait a little longer. But, will I be satisfied if I get what I want? Who knows. All we can do is try!

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger...

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Filed under Happiness, Hate!, LOL, Love, Men vs. Women, Politics, Society, Uncertainty

Everyone Has a Number… Just Don’t Tell Yours…


1, 2, 3... ?

This title is pretty telling to anyone who has ever had the famous “number conversation”… but to all those who have been lucky to have never been asked this dreaded question… here I am to elucidate the issue.

This problem obviously, like many others on this blog does not cater to the somewhat rare species that is the “virgin”, and I sincerely apologise. I will in the future write something on the subject, but for now you will have to read about sex, drugs and rock’n’roll the old fashion way… by my experience… and popular psychological findings (or at least nearly scientific!). Now… I’m probably a hypocrite, but I will admit… I have never been lucky enough (or unlucky enough by the sound of my coupled up friends) to have been in a “long term relationship” that has lasted for more than… 6 months? Why? Well I suppose moving around, changing schools and universities every so often hasn’t exactly helped… and the fact that I am probably the pickiest person when picking out a “mate” (god doesn’t that sound like I’m an animal? argh horrible)… well when picking out a possible “partner” in any case.

A question that can come in any relationship, be it friendship (oh you nosey girls and guys!) or a “i’ve-you-naked-relationship-on-numerous-occasions” type of thing, is (and this needs to be in a slightly larger font for emphasis I think…) :

“So… like… how many men/women have you slept with before me?”

ARGH HOLY JESUS! Why are you asking? Seriously? Neither of us want to know the answer! I mean, logically… if your partner had slept with less that what you were expecting, we all know you’re thinking “oh wow… he’s really inexperienced/such a loser” or something ridiculous in that vein… and if it’s far more that you expected then you’re thinking “oh god, my boyfriend/girlfriend is a man-whore or just plain whore”. Now… I know we shouldn’t judge… but we all do! Never EVER would I tell anyone my number (unless we were very good friends and I wasn’t planing to bumping uglies with that person). The sort of person who asks that question is usually either overconfident ou lacks confidence, but probably is too curious. Many people have and will continue to ask this question, but none of us truly wants to know. Most men over state the truth, most women will take a few men off their list. Why?

Because even in the 21st century… there is a stigma attached to how many people you’ve slept with! Can you believe it? Even after the sexual revolution… women who are deemed “overzealous” with their bodies are still perceived as “dirty skanks” and men as “virile stallions”. It’s a bit ridiculous, and in a perfect world the number of people you have slept with wouldn’t matter… but in the society we live in… it does! That said, marrying a virgin… is still only fashionable in the USA and the Arab countries… and in Europe is seen as a bit “old fashioned” and even strange. But sleeping with a billion people is seen as just as creepy. Men don’t want whores (and yet the want their women experienced) but neither do they want nuns. Women are the same… and even I will admit it, I don’t want to know the girlfriends of my perspective boyfriend. All I want to know is that he is aids and STD free and I’m good to go! But… even saying that, I don’t want to think of him as a gigantic man-magnet. Neither do I want to be his first… but neither do I want to be his millionth conquest. I suppose, we want to feel special… and yet part of a collection (so not to feel too much like so “outsider”).

So, never ask anyone their number. Don’t ask, because whatever answer you get you will most likely be disappointed! I mean… I can even illustrate this with a rather telling example on my part! Ahem, here goes… we women… well we facebook stalk. Don’t lie. We’ve all done it (and even men are getting in on the act now!). Everyone goes on the guys profile their interested in to check for “red flags”. We all do it… I suppose it’s that “modern day morbid curiosity” that everyone’s talking about (but that’s another subject!). In any case… I’ve done it, and I’ve done it recently too. So, I like… a guy called… well let’s call him “B”… I go on his profile… and I start going back over a few months on his wall… to check… well to see how many girls he’s adding as friends… and interacting with (oh god does this sound weird I know!)… and I see at some point a statut update going around the lines of “_________ should be happy his girlfriend facebook rapes his profile! Lol!”… now this is mundane… but it was liked by five guys… and one girl… so I’m guessing the girl = ex-girlfriend… I obviously go the next step to creepyville and check out her profile. Nothing to see, she seems boring and all her profile photos are of animals (how old is she? No, maybe I’m being vindictive… I “sort of” apologise). I start to realise that I’d have prefered not know… because he seems to have broken up with her recently… so I start to think to myself… “omg… Am I his re-bound girl? Does he even like me? Does he only want me for sex? etc etc”. I have just fallen into the “you’re-totally-insane-psychotic-girl”. And… no one wants to be her.

So my advice? Don’t ask, don’t tell. Use your fifth amendment right! And for those who are not american (as I am not either, but I have seen enough episodes of the Good Wife to be a pro now) here is what you have to say if you want to “plead the fifth” :

“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the landor naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put injeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.”

In other words you can say something along the lines “I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that it may incriminate me”.

So there you go, some wise person said when asked how many people they had sleep with “I’m sorry babe, but you can kiss my ass if you think you’re gunna get a reply to THAT question!”

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Filed under Culture, Friends, Hate!, Law, Love, Men vs. Women, Politics, Sex, Shut The Fuck Up, Society

European Dating Update !


 

So... what do you want to do?

I know. I’m single. So you’re probably thinking I am not the best candidate to be giving out advice. Well you can eat your words, because I must be amazing… because last night someone came up to me, asked for my number and we even discuss world finance ! Now… I shall be honest, he was an overweight Iranian late thirty year old… so not exactly my “dream demographic” and yet… no no I’m joking! I did NOT go there! I had to pretend I was dating someone, but it shows that we British/French girls have got in “goin’ on baby”!

In any case, as many of my readers will noticed (all three of you!) one of my most popular posts is about European Dating! And I may say, many a google search engine has sent the lucky internet surfer on my blog! So… here is an update on the subject!

Lately… I have been traveling a lot less (too much work!) but that doesn’t mean I haven’t met the fellow European… or other people or the world! So here goes…

1) The French… I wouldn’t say the French are my speciality… but I do live here and have had the chance of dating a fair few! What are they like you may ask? I would say… mmm… there are two ways of handling a Frog. Being up front is probably the best possible game to play… either say you want… say a “sex friend” (“plan cul” in French by the way) or say you would like to see where this goes. That said, I am and have been always a very passionate person, so when I like someone, he generally knows it! But… since that technique hasn’t exactly been working in my favour, I’ve starting playing games… and I’m sad to say that it is working (argh damn you Jan Austin!). I’ve been playing it cool, been very “peace and love” and it’s working. He is running after me. I am doing less work that usual. It’s a strange feeling. But hey, if the shoes fits! I suppose another way to get a Frenchie would be sex. No, I know there’s no surprise there, but the french love it. I think they are literally obsessed. That said… I wouldn’t recommend using your body to get a man… I don’t believe it really works that well, unless you want to be perceived as a whore… and that’s fine… but I don’t think it works for everyone!

2) The British… I really don’t have very much experience with these guys. I think they like really loose, honest women. :-/

3) The Spanish… I actually really like Spanish guys. They are usually bright, funny and honest guys. That said, you can’t generalize but I have always enjoyed their company. Very laid back guys, and to be honest I feel that these are the guys you can really be yourself with… whereas the French are pretty judgemental (clothes and money), the Spanish don’t see to really care about the way you dress or things like that. I mean, I am sure that some people are of course, but I haven’t met any.

4) Moroccan/Algerian guys… are very upfront. I can’t say there is much romance here. If you want to snag the north african man, not much game playing or flirting is needed. Tell them what you want and it’s a done deal.

That’s all for today I’m afraid… I have work to do (and I really want to take a nap!).

ps: To get any guy, alcohol, pizza and sexy clothes usually work. 🙂

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Filed under Alcohol, Clichés, Europe, France, Men vs. Women, North Africa, Spain, UK

Why are there so many great single girls… and no great single guys?



Err....?

In all seriousness. Why? I know plenty of amazing single girls… but I can’t say I know a million amazingly cute, intelligent, funny guys. Is there some girls hoovering up all the great men or what? To be completely honest… I know more bat shit crazy women in a stable relationship that actually nice girls in relationships. I’m starting to think that men actually like the needy and and insane type! I can’t tell you how many times a guy has told me about his girlfriend who… won’t let him out with friends… or calls him every 20 minutes wanting to know where he his… or even reading his e-mails on texts! Seriously! Argh! This makes me so mad! I mean sure, reading a text isn’t a big deal! But… I don’t think going through his entire phone is reasonable! Or any of the other things I mentioned!

I had a very interesting conversation today at lunch… all about… why are guys not seeing the amazing girls around them… and choosing… what clearing are crappy, uninteresting girls! I think it must be all the crazy. Men say they hate the drama, but secretly… they want the crazy! Or maybe it’s some special technique these women have… a special type of bait! I suppose that i shall have to try out different techniques to get guys “interested”… but to be honest, anyone can get a guy by shacking their ass and wearing skin-tight transparent clothes! I am starting to think that men are attracted by what seems to be the shy, uncomplicated women… the woman who doesn’t show her whole personality until she has the man tightly in her grasp!

Maybe all we great single girls (and yes I included myself in this!) are single… because we just don’t know how to play the game. If some girls know the rules… then some of us don’t and that must be it! Like I have previously mentioned, love and life in general is a game of poker. Some are great players, some are absolute crap. Some get good hands from time to time… but end up losing out. For my part, I’m the kinda girl who doesn’t know when she has a good game, and plays every hand likes it her last. I hook up, have fun… but nothing sticks. I’m not playing the game I want to play. Maybe this is exactly what is happening.

How do we know what the rules are? How do we get our hand on the manuel? I know that in this metaphor, life is the manuel… but the problem is… not all of us can read it! Ok ok ok enough with the metaphor!

For my part… I’m starting to think that all guys are sleazy disgusting pigs… and women… well we seem to have become needy under-loved people! Which I don’t want to be… so for my part, I’m playing everything cool! Lately I have made some big changes. I’ve given up and abandoned friendships that were not only hurtful, but cruel to be. I’ve started a diet… stopped doing things I shouldn’t be! I’ve even tried to play it cool with friends… trying to be less “call me, call you”. So, I believe that to get a great guy/girl… we have to try something different! But all the while staying yourself!

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Filed under Friends, Happiness, Hate!, Love, Men vs. Women, Politics, Sex, Society

What Do We Want ? Boobs, Brain or Brawn ?


Seriously… why are we never happy? Do we desire only the things we cannot intimately have? Is that how the human race has become? An unhappy mass of people… wanting everything they can’t have? It seems so… but when looking for the perfect mate… what do we look for? Sure… we look at physique… and sure… new discoveries have shown us that we love large hipped women for they aptitude at “baby-masking”… and we like tall me… for the same reason (well more… that their sperm is apparently “really good quality”… I suppose like some sort of fine wine… one that said, does not age well!). In any case, we humans seem to be programmed to like or at least to be attracted to certain other humans (be they of the same, or different sex). But is it all… biological? How sexy is saying “mmm babe, your pheromones sure make me want to bump uglies with! Our children will probably live past the age of 5!”

Sexy? Yeah, I didn’t think so! Now, I’m no “scientist”… which is clear to all those who have met me… I’m may have glasses but I’m no science nerd! But it seems a bit depressing to me that all “love” is… is a chemical reaction! What is “real” attraction? What do we want in the 21st century? Has it changed that much for previous centuries?

We all have an idea of what we like in a man/woman… (for future reference I shall say “men” because I am a heterosexual woman… but please, replace by whatever gender you so wish! No discrimination here please!) but as everyone knows… we can dilly dally of that invisible “line” whenever we want… For me… I’ve always had a big thing for tall, dark haired, skinny guys… and I quite like men with something “different” about them, be it glasses, a big nose or wonky teeth! Now I do realise that this is far from what many women would call “sexy”. I agree… but should I say… we all have different tastes! And thank god we do! But… I have also dated small dark haired men… and blond beefy guys (that was a big mistake!). Does that mean I am in fact attracted purely by biological means or do I have a say in what I like? I like to think we do… if hormones and physical attributes play a part… it would be ridiculous to believe that everything is black and white… there is always many different shades of grey hidden in there too!

 

Brains... or Brawn?

Anyway… while “surfing” the internet (please don’t read “looking-at-porno-sites” here) I stumbled upon many a “forum” that mention what is important… and well I have been asking a fair few friends lately what is more important to them… do we categorise the people we meet… and decide whether or not we are attracted to them depending on say…. “Boobs, Brain or Brawn”?

I am lucky enough to have a perfect example here to tell you all about! (how lucky!). I have met a certain “gentlemen” lately… we shall call him… “M” ok? We met, we talked… and after a particularly interesting conversation he told me where he lived… and he asked me if I had ever been there. I had (once I must mention) and I told him that I thought it was a very pretty town… but that there were a lot of unattractive military men there… He then after a few hours mentioned that he was… yes… yes you guessed it… in the army! Ha ha ha! All I could think was “well done Roxy, now you have put your foot in it!” In any case, this guy… is FAR from what I go for (he’s “brawn”… I go for “brains”)… and well not having any preconceived ideas on the army, I was sure to go around and ask all my friends… and what I discovered wasn’t great. The French army has the reputation of (the men I mean) being mad sex obsessed pigs. Who frequently cheat on their wives/girlfriends. They are apparently very racist and… well aren’t very intelligent… see here “big muscles, no brain”.  Now i am a very tolerant person. No really. I am. I love people. But… I started to doubt this guy. Was this “cultured army guy” all an act to get in my pants? Of course there is no no surefire way of knowing… until we meet up again and see what’s really on his mind. (Which… I will probably do). But this leads to a interesting issue. What is more important? Boobs, Brain or Brawn?

This guy… seems to have brains and brawn… but is it possible that a mans job, that solely consists of “muscle”… is a secret “Baudelaire”? Am I the kind person who would discriminate? I’m embarrassed to admit it… but I have never cared to the “muscular” man… nope… Arnold Schwarzenegger is NOT my dream man… my dream man is… mmm… I don’t quite know… but I know that he is more of the “intelectual” persuasion.

That said… can I not have a bit of fun with a guy like this? I’m not quite sure… he may be using me… but do I want to be using him? Am I the intellectually minded girl who wants a “ruff and tumble” with the local farm-boy (to excuse the metaphor… but I believe it is pretty apt here… in reference to the brawn part I mean). I feel like… a cougar looking for a young… muscular play thing! I mean… sure even in this situation… there are theoretically no real “losers” but I don’t feel that…. I’m that “kinda gal”. I mean… I’ve had sex. I have lot’s of sex (now I sound pompous, that’s not the point! I just want to illustrate a point). I can sort of… live with out “anonymous random teenage sex”. I’m 22. I like to think I’m pretty mature for my age… but it seems that at my age I’m already a cynic. I actually think that every guy who’s interested in my wants just one thing… and don’t they?

Doesn’t every guy just want boobs? And every girl either brains or brawn?

I’m at an age that I’m not sure what I really want… but I don’t think I want to get on “every horse” and try “every toy” out. If ou choices are limitless… aren’t we given too much choice? I want les choice… more… quality?

In any case… we shall see what happens… in any case… I’m still unsure what to do! I want to say “Carpe Diem”… seize the day… do anything and everything you want… but part of me says “Roxy… you’re no whore… do you really need another buy in your bed?”

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Filed under Clichés, Culture, Happiness, LOL, Love, Men vs. Women, Politics, Sex, Society, Uncertainty

Coeur Partagé… Love is a Game of Poker !


Yes yes I know, it’s in French. I’ll translate. It means “a heart divided”. But what does it really mean to have a heart in more than one place? But not only two places… but two people?

Love. Say it really slowly to yourself. L-O-V-E. What is it? Sure we can look up a definition. But how does that really help us? But… as I am an extremely kind person, I shall go fetch a definition so we can thus compare it to one we will create… or rather I will give. As a disclamer, I think I should mention that I am not a doctor/sexologist/therapist but a simple human being who likes a good… perspective on things… or to talk to the unknown!

Anyway, back to our dictionary definition of “love” : Here is the Collins Online Dictionary’s Definition for your pleasure of course !

Dictionaries Baby... They're Cool Innit!?

So… ladies and gentlemen… what does this exactly convey to us… the general public so to speak?

To me at least. Nothing. This doesn’t say anything about the passion and anguish one can feel for another person. It doesn’t talk about the absolute pain to see a loved one hurt… or the hours spent at their bedside if they are ill… or even the time and effort to find that perfect gift.  We don’t learn anything either about the person.

What I find strange is that dictionaries give a general definition without saying stressing that a feeling, an emotion… is purely and utterly personal. That there are intensities of love and passion. That love is in fact different for everyone. Which is probably why all “good” psychologists tell us that “communication” is the best way to keep a relationship alive (for me sex I believe is enough… see previous blog posts!). But… in our day and age… while we all concentrate on buying, fucking and making money… what has happened to the day old quest for love? Now… we could say that rescuing maidens on ones horse is past its sell-by-date… and yeah sure, you’re right. I know…. but as I have already noticed… it’s not exactly as though internet dating is going to get us anywhere. If a guy isn’t upright asking for sex… he’s doing it slyly… or laying! Woo hoo! I’m not surprised that the 9th definition affiliates “love and sex” and the same thing! Ha! No wonder men say “I love you” so soon nowadays! We all know that love+sex is better…. than sex+sex… but… where is the love? (to parody the Black Eyes Peas!)

For those who don’t want anything corny. You have come to the right place. Because… I’m not the one who’s for long walks on the beach… pina coladas and music by Bryan Addams! No thank you! But I do understand the whole “heart divided”. What are we to do in a world… where we meet so many new people… new places… How can I have enough space to love the ones I want to love? I think… the only way to make at least a bit of space, is to forget the people you hate, have hurt you… or caused you pain in the past. No one needs to be reminded of personal pain. So… put that in the bin! Go… do it now!

Bye Bye!

Now that that’s done… we have to mention that there are different types of love… love for a parent, a friend… a lover (if you’re lucky!)… a pet… a place… a particular memory… Sometimes we get lost in ourselves… but I want to believe that I can share the love. Why should we have to regret that we may love more than one person? We should in fact be happy that we are lucky enough to love and have loved! Loving two people at once isn’t a crime! The crime… the crime if there was one would maybe to cause pain to the people that we do love! So let’s…. not divide our hearts just yet…. but in fact put all the pieces together… like a puzzle… and hope that they all fit together.

Love… is in my opinion the only emotion that is every single one we humans can in fact feel. Love causes anger, sadness, happiness… anguish… everything… so should we be celebrating this “all purpose” emotion? Yes… yes we should… because even if it can cause pain… the benefits are so much better. Love is a dangerous game of poker… but you keep n risking it all because… because you can sometimes win big. Real big. But maybe hold up on the bluffing… no one likes a lier in love!

Love is a game of poker.

 

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