Monthly Archives: November 2011

Sexual Penpals…


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Just like the fuck-buddy… the sexual penpal is the new “must have” gadget of the 21st century. Don’t lie. Everyone has one… or at least a dirty little secret they won’t 100% admit too.

Let me explain. Is the fuck-buddy is your physical toy… the sexual pen-pal is your imaginary one… or at least one you don’t have regular sex with. He (or she) is… not computer or techno-phobic like some other guys/gals. He/she will reply to texts, e-mails… dirty texts… photos… and if you’re lucky (and he/she doesn’t mind spending money/time/credit on you) the elusive “chat” (this dirty way of communication is good for the popular nineties fad of phone sex… nowadays it’s more skype sex (or msn sex if you still have windows 98).

In any case, the sexual penpal is the person you exchange more or less steady contact with, rare daydreams (because let’s be honest, you’re not too attracted to them) but you keep the relationship alive, because… if you’re honest… you like the attention.

There’s not point lying. We all do it. Everyone has a sort of emotional “tampon”. A guy/girl who we keep around to make us feel good about ourselves. The sexual pen-pal is just the same. Except that you swap dirty provocative texts with the latter, and keep the emotional tampon around for when you want a bucket of ice-cream and a hug. I really like my sexual penpal. I like him because I know I better looking than him. I like him because I know he likes me. I know things about him… so sexual blackmail usually gets me small gifts (don’t worry, don’t call the RSPCA, we are friends… he just… likes me more than I like him…) anyway.

The sexual penpal is a great tool to try weird fantasies and desires out. Sure… you might not really do them to him per say… but if you really want to have “up the butt sex while wearing clown shoes and wearing nothing but bacon” then… it’s a good idea to try that idea on him/her first (this is how I found out he likes anal sex… thus the blackmail…).

What you notice about the sexual penpal is two distinct relationship evolutions : either you continue to talk… and even if neither of you want to admit it (either because the sex was embarrassing when it happened, and/or he has misshaped balls (this happens. Get over it hunny. Could be worse.) you have actually become fond of each other… (more of this in a minute) OR you lose touch because he : a) Is embarrassed, b) Decides not to keep contact because he has got a new girlfriend/realised he could never get you back into his 6m2 apartment for some “rollin’ on his mattress bed (classy… it’s on the floor… but he says he likes it that way” c) Is bored… etc.

In any case, like most things it’s either yes/no, black/white, 50/50, yes/no… etc.

To illustrate point one (becoming fond of each other) I’ll tell you about my “sexual penpal”… No lies, all truth (and in case my daddy’s reading this… It’s all a lie! ^^).

I met him online. Yes did I hear you cringe on the other side of the screen? Yeah, I know… online dating is… I’m afraid for social retards who can’t function in real society… and thus need to use the inter-web to find a date (yeah I’m talking about you, you immature little boy)… Anyway. We met online. I was in a period of my life, when I only needed, and wanted one thing… so we got down to work. He then moved to another city pretty far… which led to me forgetting him and finding someone else… but for some reason, he would text from time to time, so… as a friendly person that I am (I really am) I texted back and forth for a few months… at the beginning, all you talk about is sex… and a bit of “what are you doing at work/school/prison/pirate ship”/ etc.)
I started to noticed more and more  texting… and so I eventually asked him “Are we friends?” He replies by telling me he doesn’t want to date me. Now for some girls, you might shed a tear, urinate yourself… or both. Me… well I’m not really like that. What actually came into my head was “Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to date me, I’m fucking amazing… and then… Babe I definitely don’t want to date you… or be seen in public with you…” So… I re-explain that for a guy who still insists I’m just his “ex-fuckbuddy”… then why the frick his he still contacting me? Seriously. If you don’t like me… Do what I do… I delete everything about you… literally. For me it’s all or nothing. In any case… he said we could never be friends because we had had sex (no I’m no prude… and I’m no whore… but I don’t see why I can’t be friends with my exes and/or guys I’ve had sex with. Seeing someone naked doesn’t mean “no, no we can’t ever been friends, you’ve seen my pee-pee”. What generation is the write one to be in? (I will just add that this guy is about 10 years older than me…). Anyway… to continue… he continues to text/call/email/facebook the lot. I even got some sexy photos and a skype show (but let’s keep some details personal shall we!?) So… one night, he calls me, we chat… and Roxy loses it. People who know me, know not to piss me off. I go from 0 to 220km/h in 2 seconds flat. To cut a long story short. I get him to admit that for someone who doesn’t “give that much of a crap about me”, he does sure contact me a lot… and I had to say was “Grow the fuck up you baby” and “Actions speak louder than words” and I go the answer I wanted :

– Ok, You’re right. I suppose we are friends… like like to occasionally bump uglies.

That’s all I wanted. Honesty.

Now. Back to sexual penpals. In my opinion, they are great ways of of experimenting and well when you’re bored on a 3 hours train/bus/car ride like I usually am… it’s a good way to pass the time. And it’s cheap sex. No condoms or buying drinks/dinner for anyone. I think it sounds like the perfect relationship. Problem is. Sometimes they get jealous… which I never understand.

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Why… are there so many losers now ?


I know that I am going to get a lot of shtick for saying this… but seriously. I seem to attract a mix of social retards, losers and freaks. No. Really.

 

Loser Guy = The New 21st Century Man?

Loser Guy = The New 21st Century Man?

You know those jokes : “An Irishman, a Englishman and a Scot walk into a bar…” ? Well… I get all the unwanted attention from the guys who say “ohhhhh you study sex and food history? Wow… well I am into sexy food fun… wanna join?” My usual response being… “yeahhhh sure… ha ha ha here’s my fake number… call me…” NOT. I think I am also too nice, and I am sure this happens to the grand majority of “nice/friendly” girls… we attract the guys with “problems” who need to feel good about themselves… so latch on to you like a leach… sucking all the good vibes and kindness from you, until they are happy again… then drop you like a used condom. These guys are probably the worse… not unlike cameleons, you can’t tell their real nature until they unmask… which the only do when they have what they want (your soul!)  In any case, the social retards are probably the ones that are slightly less worse than the blood sucking losers that I mentioned before… Social retards (like shy guys) have a kinda charm. They don’t see themselves clearly and misunderstand social etiquette… which can be endearing… just like it can be gross (cf: “Hey babe, your father must be a terrorist because he created a BOMB!” = loser).

That said, it is of course always a compliment when a guy is interested… but I don’t know if it is modern society… computer games… or just bad genes… but seriously… what is with the sudden surge is loser-retard guys?

Most of the time, a girl with say to herself “oh my god… I think I have finally caught a break… this guy seems really great… etc etc…” and BOOM you find out he’s a closet homosexual (so that’s never going to work), or he has a tiny penis (another dealbreaker) or that he still lives with his mum… dresses like a clown… has a freaky fetish… or has daddy issues (this one = true fact)… has a ex-girlfriend who destroyed them… or is married with 5 kids… secretly a hoarder… eats paint… uses girls… or is just plain and simply… A FUCKING ASSHOLE. No no don’t worry, I’m not angry… I’m just disappointed that the quality of men has dipped lately. So fine, admit… I have been told I am difficult… but come on… who wants to settle for just “average happiness”?

No one should have to.

I think the problem is, no one is truly honest anymore. Too much tv, Sex and the City and misogynic behaviour has made men losers. They are getting the wrong “This-is-how-you-get-a-girlfriend” emails and misinterpreting what women want. All we want is normality… but not boring… or Mr everybody… we want a real and honest guy. Which trust me… is not easy! And… internet dating is lame too = too many liars and losers! (see… alliteration in “L” there… probably a sign!)

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