Sexual Penpals…

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Just like the fuck-buddy… the sexual penpal is the new “must have” gadget of the 21st century. Don’t lie. Everyone has one… or at least a dirty little secret they won’t 100% admit too.

Let me explain. Is the fuck-buddy is your physical toy… the sexual pen-pal is your imaginary one… or at least one you don’t have regular sex with. He (or she) is… not computer or techno-phobic like some other guys/gals. He/she will reply to texts, e-mails… dirty texts… photos… and if you’re lucky (and he/she doesn’t mind spending money/time/credit on you) the elusive “chat” (this dirty way of communication is good for the popular nineties fad of phone sex… nowadays it’s more skype sex (or msn sex if you still have windows 98).

In any case, the sexual penpal is the person you exchange more or less steady contact with, rare daydreams (because let’s be honest, you’re not too attracted to them) but you keep the relationship alive, because… if you’re honest… you like the attention.

There’s not point lying. We all do it. Everyone has a sort of emotional “tampon”. A guy/girl who we keep around to make us feel good about ourselves. The sexual pen-pal is just the same. Except that you swap dirty provocative texts with the latter, and keep the emotional tampon around for when you want a bucket of ice-cream and a hug. I really like my sexual penpal. I like him because I know I better looking than him. I like him because I know he likes me. I know things about him… so sexual blackmail usually gets me small gifts (don’t worry, don’t call the RSPCA, we are friends… he just… likes me more than I like him…) anyway.

The sexual penpal is a great tool to try weird fantasies and desires out. Sure… you might not really do them to him per say… but if you really want to have “up the butt sex while wearing clown shoes and wearing nothing but bacon” then… it’s a good idea to try that idea on him/her first (this is how I found out he likes anal sex… thus the blackmail…).

What you notice about the sexual penpal is two distinct relationship evolutions : either you continue to talk… and even if neither of you want to admit it (either because the sex was embarrassing when it happened, and/or he has misshaped balls (this happens. Get over it hunny. Could be worse.) you have actually become fond of each other… (more of this in a minute) OR you lose touch because he : a) Is embarrassed, b) Decides not to keep contact because he has got a new girlfriend/realised he could never get you back into his 6m2 apartment for some “rollin’ on his mattress bed (classy… it’s on the floor… but he says he likes it that way” c) Is bored… etc.

In any case, like most things it’s either yes/no, black/white, 50/50, yes/no… etc.

To illustrate point one (becoming fond of each other) I’ll tell you about my “sexual penpal”… No lies, all truth (and in case my daddy’s reading this… It’s all a lie! ^^).

I met him online. Yes did I hear you cringe on the other side of the screen? Yeah, I know… online dating is… I’m afraid for social retards who can’t function in real society… and thus need to use the inter-web to find a date (yeah I’m talking about you, you immature little boy)… Anyway. We met online. I was in a period of my life, when I only needed, and wanted one thing… so we got down to work. He then moved to another city pretty far… which led to me forgetting him and finding someone else… but for some reason, he would text from time to time, so… as a friendly person that I am (I really am) I texted back and forth for a few months… at the beginning, all you talk about is sex… and a bit of “what are you doing at work/school/prison/pirate ship”/ etc.)
I started to noticed more and more  texting… and so I eventually asked him “Are we friends?” He replies by telling me he doesn’t want to date me. Now for some girls, you might shed a tear, urinate yourself… or both. Me… well I’m not really like that. What actually came into my head was “Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to date me, I’m fucking amazing… and then… Babe I definitely don’t want to date you… or be seen in public with you…” So… I re-explain that for a guy who still insists I’m just his “ex-fuckbuddy”… then why the frick his he still contacting me? Seriously. If you don’t like me… Do what I do… I delete everything about you… literally. For me it’s all or nothing. In any case… he said we could never be friends because we had had sex (no I’m no prude… and I’m no whore… but I don’t see why I can’t be friends with my exes and/or guys I’ve had sex with. Seeing someone naked doesn’t mean “no, no we can’t ever been friends, you’ve seen my pee-pee”. What generation is the write one to be in? (I will just add that this guy is about 10 years older than me…). Anyway… to continue… he continues to text/call/email/facebook the lot. I even got some sexy photos and a skype show (but let’s keep some details personal shall we!?) So… one night, he calls me, we chat… and Roxy loses it. People who know me, know not to piss me off. I go from 0 to 220km/h in 2 seconds flat. To cut a long story short. I get him to admit that for someone who doesn’t “give that much of a crap about me”, he does sure contact me a lot… and I had to say was “Grow the fuck up you baby” and “Actions speak louder than words” and I go the answer I wanted :

– Ok, You’re right. I suppose we are friends… like like to occasionally bump uglies.

That’s all I wanted. Honesty.

Now. Back to sexual penpals. In my opinion, they are great ways of of experimenting and well when you’re bored on a 3 hours train/bus/car ride like I usually am… it’s a good way to pass the time. And it’s cheap sex. No condoms or buying drinks/dinner for anyone. I think it sounds like the perfect relationship. Problem is. Sometimes they get jealous… which I never understand.


Filed under Culture, Europe, Fashion, France, Friends, Games People Play, Loser Guys, Men vs. Women, Orgasm, Politics, Risk, Sex, Society

18 responses to “Sexual Penpals…

  1. Isabella Kuijers

    i wonder if i’d feel the physical separation tho… interesting concept.

  2. Stevie C

    Had a look at several porn sites.found the lack of personel contact boring,if i’d not started I wouldn’t have tried i’m looking forward to something different

  3. Jake

    This is a question, NOT a proposal…
    Jesus, what does it take?!? I had a personal relationship with a 42 year old girl who was married like me. We never touched each other, we worked together and new each others’ spouses. We did not want to be cruel to them. BUT, we had the hots for each other, so we confined our hidden relationship to in-person conversations about everything and naughty phone conversations. She’s gone, I miss her. I miss someone to feel that sexual connection with. Helloooo internet. Godbyeeee internet. Why is it so fucking hard to find a female 30 to 130 years old who wants a non-in-person naughty pen pal?!?!?! Is it a guy thing ony and I’m just too naive to get it? Honestly, should I just give up and pay for online one-on-one, or talking to my hand? Forgive me for venting at you. I really would like any advice you may offer.
    Jake (pseudonym)

    • Hi jake! (or fake Jake as I like to think). Mmmm well I would say it is easy to find… you just haven’t found the right one! I recommend a friend who you don’t ever want to go there with, but enjoy some sexy one to one bits into it… the phone sex for me is a bit much, I usually stick to a dirty pic, dirty sexy talk… talking for me is a bit too person BUT each one to their own. You should be able to find this sort of thing. This IS the 21st century… but you can’t deny that nowadays women tend to want the exclusive relationship that in itself is all too elusive. How about trying the same thing with your wife? Use a fake persona, and commit to it really. Spend the night away from each other, pretending you are single? Dirty texts are a great way to have space, as well as get to know the other person in a different light. I hope this helps! Don’t hesitate on hitting me up again! xxx

    • Dawn

      Dear Jake,
      I know your frustration and feelings of loss for something that was special. That special feeling that comes from just one person, a chemistry that might never come again. Another tender soul willing to share intimacy
      In a way that’s acceptable to you and warms you like no other.
      Please don’t stop looking. Love or erotic feelings are always trying to find a way to manifest. Be open, don’t shut down, don’t be afraid to try again.
      Even if only in letters. It’s hard when things end, especially when you wanted it to continue forever. Maybe there was a lesson for you in the mix. Only you would know what that was. Learn from it what you can and go forward without anger. It seem like you took a punch to the heart but at least your willing to talk about it and the healing can start now.
      Smiling now :) I’ve been down the same path and really do understand.
      I don’t cry as much now, but till it’s hard. This is not a proposition, but if you are interested in snail mail let me know. I would like to know you.
      I’m older than you & married, I live in the S.F. Bay Area.
      AKA, Dawn

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  6. James B.

    What do you want to know?

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