So. Long time no write? I dunno. Anyway. Been a bit busy lately, between uni and my relationship with alcohol, I can’t say I’ve been that inclined to write. But today’s, I have decided will be short and sweet (ish?).
I suppose before I start I need to introduce myself a bit. I’m 25. Moved to france when I was 13. Big self confidence issues (which obviously stems from a variety of things), concerning various things to do with my body and not being smart enough, creative, good enough etc. Never been in a long term “love” relationship. I hate eating tomatoes and most seafood. Very picky about food. I collect stamps (no really. I do). And… I can’t think of much, except that I think I’m a nice person. I’m good, generous and kind.
Now, please walk in what we have been talking about for the past 3 months. Mr T. I’ve been thinking, and it’s all my fault. When we first met, I have noticed him, but being too shy I would never have gone up to him. He said to a friend something like, “Oh I like your friend bla bla bla”. So I thought, wow for once, I like someone… and it seems they like me back? Well… I took the little courage I had, and texted him. Anyway. Long story. The first time I had seen him again after our first meeting, he had mentioned that there was kind of a thing with another girl. So I said, “Ok. That’s fine. I’m not going to persuade you to do anything. Have a good night.” And I left. He text me 30 mins… and all the shit that followed happen. I think now, it’s finished. He treated me like his weekly whore, and I think I’m worth more than that. I can make someone happy. Just not him. A friend of mine (A) said to me that we are both running after ghosts… and neither of us believe we are worth being loved etc, and that we prefer to run after a dream, because a dream stays in your head, and in your head, you decide on the happy ending each time. And I suppose that’s right. Every time I think of him, I say that it’s really a shame. A shame because for the first time, I thought I had found someone I could stand still with a bit. Sure, the guy has problems and faults, but for some reason they didn’t bother me… maybe because I thought I could resolve them? Who knows. In any case, what was rather frustrating with T, was that I was obviously falling in love with someone, and I don’t want to keep dreaming and letting me being treated like a second class citizen. So I emailed him like a few times, asking him to tell me what I was to him. If it was no, of course I’d be sad, but at least I could start to forget… but he would never reply properly, always stayed vague. I tried to understand… to no avail. So. I needed to make a decision. Because my heart was braking for a guy who just didn’t care. (I’m skipping a whole painful episode of my friends telling him to leave me alone, and stop breaking my heart, as well as the other girl finding out etc. BUT also, last week she being there, and him ignoring me, but going up to her and talking and her, (this was funny and sad at the same time) she slides by him, looking at him seductively and walks away. It’s funny, because you want to tell her “Hunny. This isn’t an american rom-com, be normal yeah?” and secondly because acting like that, is a game, it’s like, look how much you walk me, let me play with you. Which just shows, in my opinion that he’s her weekend distraction when she comes to the city. But hey. He prefers that, good on him.).
So yeah, of course it will be hard to stop it, but I need to. The thing with him, he doesn’t understand women. He also has no balls. No courage. He likes to live in a dream world where he’s Sid Vicious, a rock’n’roll dude, who’s misunderstood etc. He’s not. Bit by bit he’s becoming the loser no one want’s to be friends with. And yet, I still like him. Probably because I’m fucked up in a different way. But also, because I know I would be good for him, and he would be good for me. But. You can’t run after someone who doesn’t want you. Out of respect for myself I can’t. I decided to fight fire with fire and burnt a photo I had of him. His response was that of a child, something like “Cool, I don’t want a photos of me on this planet”. He honestly sounds like a 12 year old. Not a 31 year old.
In the end, this is what is going on in my mind. I like this person. He doesn’t. I often wonder why her and not me. But no one can really answer that question really can they? Sometimes you just can’t. But I’m just angry that he came back and used me again and do the same thing again. He used me. And it’s my fault, because I let him because I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m not a bitch. I wanted to be a good person. But in the end, you can’t deny, a guy who cuts his arms up, staples his ears, lost his job and is a semi-alcoholic who is fucked up in the head isn’t exactly what women say to themselves as the best thing since sliced bread! So I have decided to take some advice he once said to me, “you are too good for me”. Yes. Yes I fucking am. And that other girl, clearly is just right for you, and not as awesome as me. That may seem pompous but I need to grab some self confidence back, because he broke me. Broke me into a million pieces. Because I was in love for the first time… but I’m only 25… so fuck knows, Maybe the next one will be less of a wait?