Monthly Archives: March 2015

It takes time

Sometimes it can take you months to get to that weird bizarrely happy place in your mind. Imagine sitting on a comfy chair surrounded by books, nice food and great people. That’s my happy place. Well, I’ve just got there. It’s taken me months to get there, but even if life isn’t perfect, I feel better than I have done in months. The anxiety has practically gone and my studies are actually really good at the moment. I’ve found some new cookbooks to try out some amazing recipes. I’ve been out with all my friends and it’s so nice to have people around you who love you. I’m enjoying drinking and going out and enjoying illicit substances and fuck it. Life is pretty sweet. I’m planning a month long trip to Canada and the United States and I can’t wait.

One thing that upsets me a bit is the loneliness that can follow you around, even if you have tons of people that surround you. Sure I want to find someone, but I don’t want just anybody. It’s better to be alone than settling for just anyone. I was I think in love with someone, and it did not end well. Why? Who knows. But what I do know is that I am too good and too kind for a guy that treats me like a play toy. I realised in our story that I could never be the woman he wanted, because I was there. He needed the chase, it was too easy with me. It was nothing to do with personality or even body shape. Even if the little voice in my head is saying “he doesn’t like you because you’re ugly, fat, etc etc”, the reasonable side of me knows that that isn’t true. I miss him, but I don’t want to be friends. Why? I’m not ready. But part of me feels that he doesn’t get to have my friendship as a consolation prize. I’m too kind, generous and nice. I feel used and he knows it. He doesn’t try to show me that I’m important to him at all. So I know that the only way to continue is to forget. It will be hard. I suppose the hardest part is his blindness. He’s too blind to realise that we could be great together, but he prefers to run after a ghost. Who, in my opinion is not good enough for him (even though, let’s be honest, he’s the definition of a leech, at least with me). Why? Because (what you need to know is that he threw me away for her) in my opinion, if you love someone, you don’t fuck their friends. You don’t ignore them for them for months, and you don’t manipulate him into talking to you again, cause you dumped his friend you were fucking a few weeks before. The thing is, you need to understand psychology. Why did she “reconnect” with him? Because she needs to have fun when she gets to my city. He’s a good time. He’ll buy her drinks. She get drunk and she’ll fuck him. A good time. It’s a sad reality, but that’s the only thing I can see.

But, it’s none of my business. Because I realise I’m too good for him, and getting to that place took over a year, and I’m feeling so much more free. I feel fucking good about it. Yeah I lost a friend and a lover, and someone who I could really see having a future with (if he sorted out some of his shit first). But, I still have time, and in the end, you are never truly alone, you just need to know who to turn to.

Every day read a new page in a book. Try a new dish. Smile at someone. Dance for no reason. Discover a new street. New music. I’m doing anything and everything now. And it feels great, but it would be nice to have someone to hold your hand while you go on new adventures, and to watch a movie with while eating chinese food with, but who knows? It could be anyone! For now, I have a stuffed monkey!


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What it really is

I realised today what true love really is. Love is that utter feeling of dependance on one person. That realisation that your happiness depends on one person, and that isn’t right. For me, it’s a 60/40 thing. My happiness depends one others (including the person I love on a 60% mark, whereas 40% depends on me, and how I make myself happy. And I realised something today. That every time he does something not nice to me, I’m no long angry like I used to me, I’m just disappointed. Disappointed that he can treat me this way. It’s sad, because I know in my heart that I am the best thing that could ever happen to me. I know I would and could make him so happy, but I realise he doesn’t want me. I’m not the one he will ever care for, and he just doesn’t care. It breaks my heart because when I look at him, i can see the potential in him. I can see under the skin and see how amazing he truly is. But he can’t. He hates himself, and without saying it himself, he does not maybe hate me, he just doesn’t care. I am nothing to him.

I know he can no longer break my heart like he did before, but he makes my heart ache. It aches because it doesn’t know how much it can take anymore.

Lately, I will ask to see him, he says he will get back to me, but doesn’t. You can help but think, he doesn’t care, because if it really came down to it, if he wanted to see me, he would make it happen. So, since he doesn’t see me, it’s because he doesn’t want to. I love him more than air, but he sadly doesn’t care for me.

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