Monthly Archives: April 2015

The eternal quest ?

We all go through life asking us the same questions, now of course I am speaking from a western opinion, but in essence, all around the world we ask ourselves the same question : will I ever be happy? What is happiness? Many philosophers say that true happiness doesn’t truly exist. Maybe as a race we are all programme to want what we can’t have, and when we do get what we pined for after a long battle, we come to the realisation we neither want or desire it anymore. I’m not so sure that life is that black and white, but it is undeniable that we are always left wanting.

Happiness is of course different for everyone, and some people don’t have the luxury of dreaming of a bigger house, a great family, trips around the world etc. Some are content (and the use of this word is capital here) with having access to food and water, and having clothes on their backs. But it any case, we always aspire to more than what we have. Our life is an eternal quest to achieve, gain, hold, have something, someone.

I can’t help but look around and see how monotonous life can become when you have no drive, but I realise now that I am judging people. I know I want more from life. I want to see the world, I want to have a great job, a bit of money and maybe one day the possibility to love and be loved in return. The actuality of that happening is up in the air. Life is what you make it, but we are all limited, not only by ourselves and the hand we have been dealt, but also our surroundings. If I was born in a favela in brazil, would I have had the luxury of being able to do three degrees, live in a variety of countries and pick and choose what clothes I wear and what food I eat? Certainly not. What we should appreciate is that to start with we are all given the possibility to better ourselves, strive and to hope. It’s hope that eventually kicks us up the arse and tells us that we shouldn’t be satisfied… but it is also a curse. Hope can motivate you but also push you to want more and more, in essence it is the american dream. Opportunities are not open to everyone, not everyone is born equal, be it intellectually, materially, physically etc.

Always wanting and striving for me, can leave you disenchanted, depressed and dissatisfied with yourself, but it can also motivate you and you can reap the benefits later on in life. I suppose it all comes down to you. Do you know yourself well enough to try your best to do what  you want? Who knows. We all however do live in an eternal pursuit of happiness.

I for one, am on the quest to rid my life of all miasma the surrounds and is in me. I am purging myself of all negativity and trying to be better. I’m certainly not perfect, but I am tired of sitting on my laurels and expect things to happen to me. I am the only actor in my life. I hope my life doesn’t end in car crash, but I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment either. I’m trying to get to know myself, which seems a weird concept, but even if we need others to know ourselves through the eyes of others, a bit of introspection can never go amiss. What saddens me the most, and what I strive to fight against, are those moments where you close your eyes and remember a happy moment. I’m talking about disappointment when you look back, and remember a moment that made you happy and now you look back and realise you cannot get that back. I feel a pang of pure pain shooting through me and I hate it. It’s great to have felt happiness, but it hurts much more when you can no longer re-achieve that specific moment, because it’s finished. Kaput.

The only solution for us all, is to look to the future and take solace in the fact that we are never alone, and that someone, some place and at some point, someone has felt the same. It does not deaden the pain, but it makes me that much more bearable.


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Ignorance is bliss

It’s a rather sad tale today, but one I believe at last has an ending. I don’t feel in the mood to go on and philosophise about it, so I think I’ll do a mix of bullet points and random phrases.

– They whole thing with Mr T started badly, clearly, but what I should have seen is that he never gave a shit about anyone (true fact). He is a good liar. Who knew alcoholics could?

– I believed something more was possible, but it is not the case.

– I made the mistake of letting him back in my life, but as per usual, all he wanted/needed from me was attention. Nothing else. And I blindly thought he enjoyed my company.

– Lately we had been spending more time together and I thought, getting to know each other really. Well hell no. He doesn’t know me. Called me a whore (for sleeping with people… but we were never dating… so what?) Also, I accidentally saw a message where he insulted me and basically said he didn’t give a shit.

– What it goes to show is he never gave a shit about me, friendship wise or anything. Always running after someone else.

– I have to remember the bad parts, because there were good parts, but who knows how he felt? Nothing probably.

– It’s strange, because he would do one nice thing, and then it all fucked up.

– The only solution I can find is just not spending time with him. He is a toxic leech, and I am not strong enough for him to suck me dry.

– Can you believe, the day my dog of 12 years died, he preferred to talk about himself all night? He even called me a whore and when I walked out of his house… he called me a child for not wanting to talk.

– I feel pain right now, but I know it would never have lasted, not with me, not with anyone, because truly he is not ready, he has no professional drive nor does anyone want to date an alcoholic. It’s one thing to enjoy a drink. Another to do what he does, and drink to his grave. It’s a sad reality.

– He is also clearly toxic to his other friends, some of them have come up to me and said that they are tired of him, don’t care any more about his well-being, and for some they know that he is slowing paving a way to his death.

– I am, and will always be to him “some english bird I slept with”. To me, he will be the first guy my heart wanted. But, I don’t think I regret it, because I have grown, I have had emotions I never have had. And now I am hurting, but for some reason less, ad maybe because I have access more into his head, and I have spent more time with him, and I can see that he is a dead-beat with no drive. It’s not a life I want. I want to travel the world and enjoy myself, not drink my way through my dole money.

– I am feeling hopeful that I will find someone, and his friends say the same, they said I can obviously find someone better, because it’s hide to sink lower.

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