Category Archives: Errrrrr ?

Strong women ?


A few months ago, I was hanging around at the “C”, and there was just A, S, my friend B and I just chatting and enjoying a glass of red wine together… When four guys walk in… two Americans, one Moroccan guy (who has now become a friend of mine) and another British guy. One of the American guys was very inebriated, the rest of his friends seemed slightly embarrassed of him to be honest, but we all got to chatting. B told me that the drunk american (J) was looking at me very intensely (which I can’t deny was quite flattering, he’s very good looking, not really the sort of guy I usually go for, but if I were to say he looked like Christian Bale, I doubt many people would deny his attractiveness!). Anyway, we got talking about various subjects, and he turns to me and say “I love strong women. You are a strong woman. You’re very hot.” Now, you can’t deny, as lines go, that one wasn’t bad. Very complimentary… but if you try and analyse it, what does it really mean?

It’s interesting, because it is not the first time I have been called a strong woman… but why? I try and analyse it. I talk. I’m opinionated. I’m not shy (this all depends on the situation, because my good friends know that I can be extremely shy). I hold my ground. I don’t flinch away? I honestly believe that I give off an air of confidence, which is strange because I am probably one of the only people I know of suffers from crippling insecurities and bouts of self doubt. Some people wonder why, but I think it all stems from years of bullying that I suffered as a child, and given some situations I have found myself in sometimes, I understand why I am not a confident person. But as I have often repeated, I think that I give off this vibe of confidence, because I am so afraid of someone really getting to know me. Maybe that’s why I am single, because I’m too afraid to let someone see the real me, so I tend to self sabotage… and the last person I loved, and for the first time truly loved, was the first person I took a chance on (and subsequently lost). Of course, it’s not really his fault (some parts are but not all). It was my fault. Maybe I ran so blindly towards him was because I knew deep down he didn’t want me. He wanted someone else? Who knows?

Anyway, in the end, I don’t think I’m a strong woman… I think I’m just someone who is too afraid to want to ask for help, or to be looked after… so to compensate, you act as though you ooze self confidence.

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Filed under Errrrrr ?, Errrrrr wtf?, Uncategorized

Outside in or Inside out ?


I’ve been wondering lately, while looking around my slightly messier room than normal, the state of my fridge (nothing buy old pasta and apples), my un-hoovered carpets and the alarming amount of un-clean washing up in the sink : are our outsides our insides? Or is it the complete opposite?

Confused?

Fine. I’ll explain. When I’m feeling in super cooper shape, happy go lucky weirdo mood : my flat is super clean and tiny. You could probably fry an egg on my toilet seat while stirring the pan with the toilet brush… right now… I’m feeling a bit shite and lost… god knows why, well I know why, but I shouldn’t. I’m amazing. But whatever. Want to know what my flat looks like? Argh. Messy and disorganised. Just like my head. So, the question really is, am I sad, thus my interior reflects that… or is it because my flat looks like a pigsty that I then become depressed? Mmmm… hard to tell. Some people I know, live in the dirtiest hovels you could think of… but they are happy great people, so I guess it doesn’t bother everyone. Maybe I’m one of those tidy freaks you hear about in bad pilot episodes of cancelled shows… “clean freak” (except that if you knew my views on cleaning floors you’d die… ok ok fine, I’ll tell you. Fucking hate it. I prefer doing any other chore, but hoovering, cleaning the floor… is just horrible… the should try that at Guantanamo for inmates. They would crack in no time. I’ll tell you anything you want to know in exchange to not having to mop up the floor I swear). So it’s definitely not a “cleanos” house here… but I do like clean sheets and a tidy room that doesn’t smell of an ashtray (I live in France, people smoke at my parties!) and BO. Thats said, just last night a friend of mine B, told me they thought I smelt delicious and when I asked why… I was told  I had a “roxy smell”… so I smell of myself but you can describe it? Okie domes. Strange.

I’m feeling tired, but I’ll finish this (feeling sad and shit makes you tired, probably a good thing, my diet had been going great, I have stopped eating during the day).

Anyway, the question is still open… if your interior looks like crap, is the person “sad/depressed etc.” or is that just a personal trait (dirty/messy etc.)… mmmm….

rox

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Filed under Clichés, Errrrrr ?, LOL, Men vs. Women

I know. I know.


On/offI have to say, I am feeling rather on the apathetic side today, but I shall stroll through that part of my brain, and go straight to the... Roxy, you are dead cringe now. You're 24. Stop acting like a 12 year old who has a crush on one of the Westlife fellas (can't believe I just wrote "fellas". I will admit, it seems the kind of word that sits quite well next to the band Westlife). Anyway. I have a crush. I know. Shock Horror. Me. Me? Yes. Yes I know. Me. The cringe factor is that I am really shy when it comes to my feelings. I think I don't like really telling people how I feel about a person (whether in a friendly or in a "I like you where it smells funny" kind of like (to quote the Bloodhound Gang (first time they have probably EVER been quoted to be honest anyway)). In any case, I don't know the guy per say (he's in my school, 4th year student... and before you start shouting ERRRRR OLDER MAN... I'm the same age as him, I just had to do 2 degrees first), but he did give me a tour of the school (ok, not personally... but well, it felt like it). He isn't really my type (if I were to define my type anyway) but he has something about him which I find... intriguing? (now I feel like I'm in a Jane Austin book... swoon swoon... (argh)) but to be honest, I feel that really he is hot hot hot... and fuck it, yes I'm going to say it. He's hot with two t's. Usher had it right. It's "hott" in here. I'm not going to say anything about him, safe to say he probably has no idea I exist, and I am actually capable to changing direction in order to avoid him (see, told you. This is the reaction of a 12 year old). Unless I am super drunk, and let's be honest, I am never really drunk... I probably won't say anything. I've only ever asked one guy out... didn't turn out great (I'll briefly mention that he is not talking to me at the moment... I think he's too embarrassed. This is a guy we will call X (original? Yes I think so!) (i digress sorry), all my friends think he is super weird and dodgy (but we have been friends for 5 years on and off, he pisses me off). And we have messed around, but I'm not like that. So yeah. Anyway, never liked him, started to have feelings and he started to be weird. My friends personally feel he's chicken. Or doesn't know what he wants. Well I ain't gunna wait!)
So back to super sexy guy from my school (I say school, I mean art school, for adults. You know. Real humans). I haven't seen him in over a week. i think he's either dead, or hibernating. Which, if it's the latter, sucks because winter is a good excuse to get naked inside with someone... but if he is going to be sleeping all winter, not only is my winter gunna suck (I mean even if i never get to see the inside of his bedroom, I would still like to openly drool in his direction from time to time, but hiding behind a cleverly disguised Jane Austin fan... duh!) But, if he does hibernate all winter, then come spring, he will be one horny little sexpot... but he might jump on any skinny french girl and then I'd be dumb. So... I'm thinking of hatching a plan. Except. That isn't me. So... I think I'll just continue my passive aggressiveness and ignore him, and continue my quest for eternal celibacy. If I'm still single in a year, I'll join either a nunnery... or a bordello. I'm betting on the nunnery.
What is truly depressing, is that all my friends have the same discourse of "you are amazing, super cool, bright... I don't know why you're single". Seriously? Last week I even got a "If I were a guy, I would so go out with you". Really? Well. Fuck me oh riley. I'm not looking for prince charming, I'm looking for a guy who has a brain, a sense of humour, can drink a beer, laugh with my friends, and find the right words for me". Now I'm not saying he has to be gorgeous, I tend to go for guys who look "different". But come on, God, don't send me any really obese guys. A little tummy, I'm cool with. A ridiculous hipster moustache? Fine; I'll deal. A guy who cross-dresses on weekends? Fine. Whatever. But holy fuck. Why, why... WHY am I alone?
I don't say this while slashing my wrists, I'm not depressed... I am seriously questioning myself.  I want to know. I personally think it's because I'm too much to handle. Guys can't take a girl who doesn't take shit from no one, speaks her mind and is generally a eccentric funky person. But at 24 I still have hope. (I say 24... but it's nearly my birthday! Christmas baby everyone!). How long should I wait until signing my death warrant? Or join a covent? (I can totally rhyme!)
25? 27? 50?
I might have to join an online wedding site. You know like in Russia. I'd be doing it legally too, I mean i already have 2 passports, so I don't even need to pretend to marry some guy just for a European passport, because I have two. That said, if it ends up like in the movies, I'll either be married to a heavily obese farmer... or a axe wielding murderer. I think I'll choose the murdering fuck-head. I'm pretty sure he'd make it a fast death. Or maybe like in Reservoir Dogs, he'll cut one of my ears off (which, i'd then go for the fat farmer, I'll just roll him over with the tractor, or fill his gullet with boiled eggs. Fat bastard probably wouldn't even choke. Probably slowly chew each one and ask for more).
Still. Need a plan. Mmmmm fuck it. I'm gunna flash the sexy guy from school (by the way, totally found him on Facebook... the guy has two youtube accounts as well, so I can perv on him from the comfort of my own flat... Now I sound weird).
Logging off. Need to make eggs. (I joke. It will be hot chocolate (no lactose, it will be soy)).
p.s. If the sexy guy from my school, in 4th year happens to pass by and read this (which is doubt, come on... he has never spoken to me)... I'm not a sociopath. I am just very shy and scared of making any decisions that will hurt me).
xxx

			

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Filed under Christmas, Clichés, Cold, Errrrrr ?, Europe, France, Hello?, Holidays, LOL, Men vs. Women, Risk, Sadness, Uncertainty

“SPAM” and not so fast mails…


Spam ?Lately, I’ll agree I’ve been pretty busy, I apologise to my very few readers (that said, over 11 000 views in 2 years… feeling pretty cool right now) for not writing as much as I’d like, but alas, I have started another school… (after history and history of art, it’s up to graphic design…) in Paris, and I have no time at all!

So, SPAM… I am of course not talking about the gross looking congealed processed meat, but in fact the lovely mails we all receive in our email “trash cans” (definition : Spam is the use of electronic messaging systems to send unsolicited bulk messages, especially advertising, indiscriminately). In general, I am lucky enough to get a few seedy emails from people offering me various “busty/sexy/hot/horny housewives/topless…” (all or a variety on these examples) women… a couple of bizarre, clearly misguided emails offering me “penis enlargement”, which to be honest, if I was a guy, I’d be worried about getting and the usual “spend a zillion dollars and get this” or “how to get a green card”. Now, I don’t know why, but this got me to thinking… I actually get more trash emails that actual people sending me emails to find out how I am, or if I dead. Sure I could be offended, but in reality… it’s a sad comment on how society is getting… automated and anti-social… with so much social media at our disposition, I feel that people are feeling too connected, thus no longer crave real intimacy and friendship. You no longer have to interact with someone to find out about what they are doing. We are a few clicks from becoming a real “Wall-E” world (cf: go watch the movie losers xxx). I’m worried… that in a few years my only relationship will be with my 15 year old Tamagotchi. No, i’m not kidding, It’s still alive (does it count if the batteries have died?). Even when one does send an impromptu email… you have to wait a certain amount of time before getting any sort of replies nowadays… why I hear you ask? Ok, here is what the people across the pond call the “low down” :

1) No one will respond immediately or make the first move, this indicates neediness and unmanliness (or in general “no ball syndrome”… apparently this is more figuratively that physically, i have, you will be pleased to know done the “leg work” as an anonymous blogger to check),

2) Replying fast apparently also means you are too eager (thus back to point 1) and a giant loser, so there is an appropriate time lapse before a response (between 24hours and 72 hours, after that he/she isn’t interested, so hunny/dude you should let it go),

3) This “time lapse” equation is hard to calculate, because it can vary… for ex, needy person will wait for 24hours and conclude that the guy/girl = not interested (maybe because there is a larger percentage of interest on this person), but if someone is more “blasé” about the response, he/she won”t be annoyed/irritated by the time lapse…

This leaves as all juggling more than the initial “hi-how-are-you-bla-bla-bla” conversation opener with the “OMG-will-they-think-i’m-desperate-lonely-loser” as well as… “desire” (how I hate that word… I feel like I’m in an 80’s mustachio movie when I use that… I shudder, excuse me for that. When I was a kid, you didn’t think of “perception”, you just did what you wanted when you wanted. I try to be like that, aka… if I get an email, I reply… immediately… but even I am reeled in to the “yes-my-name-is-roxy-and-i-am-single” dilemma… So what to do?

In my opinion, I’d want to say fuck it and not think about the consequences, but I feel that I’ll then receive an angry letter from someone complaining that that attitude gets people pregnant or dumped. So… maybe my advice should be that people should do what they feel is right… but I don’t agree on that either… there is far too much “missed communication” (don’t you dare use the word “connexions”, that’s bullshit). But I’m lost… what are we supposed to do? I don’t know the rules to these games any more… Oh blasphemy…

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Filed under Clichés, Culture, Errrrrr ?, Errrrrr wtf?, Games People Play, LOL, Love, Men vs. Women, Politics, Risk, Society