Category Archives: Murder most foul

The perfect murder

diediediemrtAn issue I have thought about more than once, and very easy to in fact do. So inspired by a criminology class I took a long time ago (and an episode of VM). I will prepare the perfect murder. Who do I have in mind? Someone very easy to drug and do my bidding with… and of course who is a giant arsehole (but let’s be honest, don’t we all have a few of these low lives in our circle of friends anyway? I have tons to choose from, and ample time to think about it.

You need to steer clear of DNA issues, so of course, you wear a complete body suit (the ones you buy at hardware stores are perfect). You wear a paper cap (for hair). Gloves are a must, and if you really want to go all the way, verruca slippers (which are available at all pharmacies! Duh!). Now of course, you can’t just wear this stuff out, so this is all put in a nondescript plastic bin bag. Now this “fake murder” is a bit hard to achieve, mostly owing to the fact that you need a pig, a pig pen, and rather a long time (as well as a place to store your pig pen… somewhere hard to find!). But in essence, if you are the sick fuck who want’s to murder someone, you’re probably already pissing in the wind of “I don’t give a rats ass” anyway, so you would probably go all the way. Because as everyone knows in all good murder mystery, no body, no crime!

Poison, is a good choice to immobilise your victim, but you don’t even need to go that far anymore. I mean who doesn’t enjoy a nice tipple? Get them drunk. Once they’re asleep, tie them up with the plastic tie things you can buy at hardware stores. Drive. Place them in the boot, once a large thick plastic bin back (you don’t want any carpet fibers on the body etc. You get to your secluded place. Put on your protective gear. And then the rest would be hypothetically easy. Kill you person (I’ll leave this up to your imagination, I mean I abhor violence in all forms, so I don’t really want to give you guys ideas, you are probably already sick bastards anyway! and through them in the pig sty. Hopefully you have starved your pigs a bit before hand and they will eat away at the body. I have no idea how long this takes, but I read a book my Maupassant once that says a pig ate a guy. So I guess it must work. Plus David Attenborough said once that a pig is the only animal (apart from a hippo, but i didn’t tell you to get a hippo coz they re harder to find) that can digest bone and hair.

So ideally, they eat the person, and you through their poo in a landfill and clean up the joint. Preferably burning the place too.

Or the easiest, is to get your drunk victim to sit at their computer, fake a suicide (get the right hand down here is clue!) and then write a non-personal note (say “Goodbye cruel world”). And voila.

So, now go off and spread peace, coz it’s never good to hold hate in your heart. Be happy… be in love (like me!)


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