Category Archives: Uncertainty

Perception : ”We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Oscar Wilde

Okie dokes, where to start? Well last night was… an illumination in more ways than one. Firstly… I was pissed. Now don’t get all judgy, I’m a 25 year old adult and segundo I can hold my liquor. So now that my alcohol situation is out of the way, I can start my tirade of anger… or shall I say… rant of realisation. Any how, the finality was that I felt as though I had been mind fucked. Todays subject with be the perception we have of others, and I suppose how they differ to reality.

I have to of course talk about myself before making my final statement (I believe it’s done like that in law). I am perceived, per say, as the happy, bubbly, talkative extrovert who makes friends easily and who apparently seems muy outgoing. This is what I was call a mask. No one in life really walks around crying and screaming I AM DEEPLY UNHAPPY. No. i’m not saying that some people are worse off than others, we are all individuals, with our own problems, hopes, fears… and you can’t make a universal rule stating which problems are more important or less important than others. That said, sure it is commonly agreed… being raped is far worse than… your mother not letting you buy the last GameBoy game. Duh. But… as adults we all have our own issues, and it is important to listen and understand that everyone deals differently with every problem.

What I am talking about is this “mask” we all wear… or in some cases, don’t. I have noticed, and I can say this with authority and confidence, people who usually self harm don’t usually desire for death… they long for someone to notice the signs, and help them. People who truly want death, they don’t usually shut themselves in their room listening to Stiff Little Fingers or Billy Holiday and cutting themselves. Generally unhappy people wear a mask out in their everyday lives and only a fair few know of their true sentiments. I for example, I don’t feel the need or the desire to be pitied. Shit happens. Sometimes nice people get more shit than others. That’s life. I suppose that’s why I have little patience for lazy, childish people who walk around telling anyone who will listen that life is crap, that nothing will every get better. Sometimes it doesn’t get better, but you better try. I honestly believe we are the lucky ones here. We live in Europe, specially me in France. We get FREE HEALTHCARE. This may seem not important, for people with illnesses that are incurable (like moi for ex) this is such a weight of your shoulders. Of course I don’t have money, I’m a student, but I get by. And I don’t have to worry about paying for… headache tablets… or my asthma inhaler or whatever. Let’s look at… Syria… best holiday location ever… right? Come on. Many cities blown to pieces, people dying of hunger, little or no education, no sexual or male/female equality… apart front he bombs going off, they now have an outbreak of Polio! Woo hoo! Doesn’t that put our own problems into perspective? Fuck yeah. Get off your chair and try. Wear a mask if you need to, I’m not saying you have to pretend everything is ok, everyone has their own way of dealing with their own shit… but we don’t have it that bad here!

I mean, look, your ex has broken up with you? Cry. Sceam. Buy clothes. Fuck everything in sight. Buy a dog. Eat McDonalds. Complain. But at some point, it get’s better, there’s no point wallowing in the past. Hating. The worst thing you can do to someone is indifference. I swear, I am able to do this to others but when it’s done to me, I’m broken.

Second example. You failed a class, a years worth of university… whatever. THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

I suppose what gets me is that, seriously… the only thing you need to worry about is your health and your security. Because to be honest, you only have one life! If you die, who gives a shit that you were dumped, or you failed a class, or your grandfather died? I remember a phrase which I absolutely love from Catcher on the Rye by Salinger, which is :

“Boy, when you’re dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a god dam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you’re dead? Nobody.”

You get me? When you’re dead, there’s fuck all you need or want. So this is why I firmly believe on picking your sorry ass off the ground and shaking off those feelings and trying your best. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but life is worth trying… if you believe it’s worth living.

So, as I was saying about masks… sure, we off give off a vibe or a perception, but i can tell you for a fact, like with anything, when someone is overcompensating… something is wrong. For girls, a guy is too nice to you? He wants to fuck you. A girl is too nice to a guy? She really likes you. A person is always too happy, saying yes all the time? Invite them round for tea. Something is wrong. A friend is always depressed and listening to the misfits and feeling sorry for themselves? Give them a kick up the arse. They need a push.

I realise their are some really unwell people out there, and they obviously need to see a specialist, but this is what the average joe is. This is what life is for most of us lucky ones who don’t live in a place with bombs falling on us, or living with the fear or mass rape, murder, torture… or living somewhere were there is no equality, where access to healthcare and education is unheard of. I suppose I have little patience for people who don’t seize the opportunities given to them, and prefer to stay in the dark.

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Filed under Culture, Games People Play, NEW!, Risk, Sadness, Society, Uncertainty

I know. I know.


On/offI have to say, I am feeling rather on the apathetic side today, but I shall stroll through that part of my brain, and go straight to the... Roxy, you are dead cringe now. You're 24. Stop acting like a 12 year old who has a crush on one of the Westlife fellas (can't believe I just wrote "fellas". I will admit, it seems the kind of word that sits quite well next to the band Westlife). Anyway. I have a crush. I know. Shock Horror. Me. Me? Yes. Yes I know. Me. The cringe factor is that I am really shy when it comes to my feelings. I think I don't like really telling people how I feel about a person (whether in a friendly or in a "I like you where it smells funny" kind of like (to quote the Bloodhound Gang (first time they have probably EVER been quoted to be honest anyway)). In any case, I don't know the guy per say (he's in my school, 4th year student... and before you start shouting ERRRRR OLDER MAN... I'm the same age as him, I just had to do 2 degrees first), but he did give me a tour of the school (ok, not personally... but well, it felt like it). He isn't really my type (if I were to define my type anyway) but he has something about him which I find... intriguing? (now I feel like I'm in a Jane Austin book... swoon swoon... (argh)) but to be honest, I feel that really he is hot hot hot... and fuck it, yes I'm going to say it. He's hot with two t's. Usher had it right. It's "hott" in here. I'm not going to say anything about him, safe to say he probably has no idea I exist, and I am actually capable to changing direction in order to avoid him (see, told you. This is the reaction of a 12 year old). Unless I am super drunk, and let's be honest, I am never really drunk... I probably won't say anything. I've only ever asked one guy out... didn't turn out great (I'll briefly mention that he is not talking to me at the moment... I think he's too embarrassed. This is a guy we will call X (original? Yes I think so!) (i digress sorry), all my friends think he is super weird and dodgy (but we have been friends for 5 years on and off, he pisses me off). And we have messed around, but I'm not like that. So yeah. Anyway, never liked him, started to have feelings and he started to be weird. My friends personally feel he's chicken. Or doesn't know what he wants. Well I ain't gunna wait!)
So back to super sexy guy from my school (I say school, I mean art school, for adults. You know. Real humans). I haven't seen him in over a week. i think he's either dead, or hibernating. Which, if it's the latter, sucks because winter is a good excuse to get naked inside with someone... but if he is going to be sleeping all winter, not only is my winter gunna suck (I mean even if i never get to see the inside of his bedroom, I would still like to openly drool in his direction from time to time, but hiding behind a cleverly disguised Jane Austin fan... duh!) But, if he does hibernate all winter, then come spring, he will be one horny little sexpot... but he might jump on any skinny french girl and then I'd be dumb. So... I'm thinking of hatching a plan. Except. That isn't me. So... I think I'll just continue my passive aggressiveness and ignore him, and continue my quest for eternal celibacy. If I'm still single in a year, I'll join either a nunnery... or a bordello. I'm betting on the nunnery.
What is truly depressing, is that all my friends have the same discourse of "you are amazing, super cool, bright... I don't know why you're single". Seriously? Last week I even got a "If I were a guy, I would so go out with you". Really? Well. Fuck me oh riley. I'm not looking for prince charming, I'm looking for a guy who has a brain, a sense of humour, can drink a beer, laugh with my friends, and find the right words for me". Now I'm not saying he has to be gorgeous, I tend to go for guys who look "different". But come on, God, don't send me any really obese guys. A little tummy, I'm cool with. A ridiculous hipster moustache? Fine; I'll deal. A guy who cross-dresses on weekends? Fine. Whatever. But holy fuck. Why, why... WHY am I alone?
I don't say this while slashing my wrists, I'm not depressed... I am seriously questioning myself.  I want to know. I personally think it's because I'm too much to handle. Guys can't take a girl who doesn't take shit from no one, speaks her mind and is generally a eccentric funky person. But at 24 I still have hope. (I say 24... but it's nearly my birthday! Christmas baby everyone!). How long should I wait until signing my death warrant? Or join a covent? (I can totally rhyme!)
25? 27? 50?
I might have to join an online wedding site. You know like in Russia. I'd be doing it legally too, I mean i already have 2 passports, so I don't even need to pretend to marry some guy just for a European passport, because I have two. That said, if it ends up like in the movies, I'll either be married to a heavily obese farmer... or a axe wielding murderer. I think I'll choose the murdering fuck-head. I'm pretty sure he'd make it a fast death. Or maybe like in Reservoir Dogs, he'll cut one of my ears off (which, i'd then go for the fat farmer, I'll just roll him over with the tractor, or fill his gullet with boiled eggs. Fat bastard probably wouldn't even choke. Probably slowly chew each one and ask for more).
Still. Need a plan. Mmmmm fuck it. I'm gunna flash the sexy guy from school (by the way, totally found him on Facebook... the guy has two youtube accounts as well, so I can perv on him from the comfort of my own flat... Now I sound weird).
Logging off. Need to make eggs. (I joke. It will be hot chocolate (no lactose, it will be soy)).
p.s. If the sexy guy from my school, in 4th year happens to pass by and read this (which is doubt, come on... he has never spoken to me)... I'm not a sociopath. I am just very shy and scared of making any decisions that will hurt me).
xxx

			

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Filed under Christmas, Clichés, Cold, Errrrrr ?, Europe, France, Hello?, Holidays, LOL, Men vs. Women, Risk, Sadness, Uncertainty

Let’s All Say Goodbye…. to 2011


Time Flies When... ?

Time Flies When... ?

This year has been full of ups and downs. So… what happend?

I started the year in the wonderful city of Stockholm. I had just spent six months of pure bliss there (apart from the fact that my bank account was constantly bone dry, was really only a minor bump in the road to be honest). But, the year 2011 definitely started in style. January came and went, and it thus meant I had to leave the snowy north, and return to the chilly south of France to finish my History degree. February past, and I was taught that sometimes friends do nasty things, and that sometimes you need to cut people out of your life, because they are not worth the time you spent crying about them. So I said my second of my goodbyes in the beginning of 2011. Sadly it wouldn’t be the last. However, at university everything was great, good marks, and here came March. I met some new people and made new friends. Life was back on track. I was happy at home, at university and hurrah! I found a work experience placement in an art gallery. I even lost two kilos that month! We are now slowly creeping into April… nothing particularly interesting here. Between weekends with friends, and weekends back at home to see my family, life was as mundane and everyday as you could get. With May came exams… and big decisions… What am I going to do next year? Where am I going? And what the fuck am I going to do with my life? 

Well… now here is a certain “crise existentielle” (existential crisis)… but hey, I am far too busy with exams and the occasional (or not so occasional) knees up with friends, so I am not thinking about it. 

End of May. Results… Passed! Woo hoo ! Now… here starts my month of work experience. My first day I meet two girls who are also working at the gallery like me. We shall call them Jane Doe 1 and Jane Doe 2. I get along really great with both of them, and in particular Jane Doe 1. She is moving to Bordeaux next year to finish her history of Art degree. I decide to do a second degree and join her. That explains mostly why I am now living in Bordeaux. June in finished. July is here… and I pack up my apartment, and leave to join my parents. I go back and forth between Toulouse (where my friends are) and the pyrenees (where my parents are). The summer is hot, and I decide to get my first tattoo (which, don’t worry I had been planning for many a moon). July has finished… and like every summer, I am tan-less and freckle covered. 

August is here. I start work at a restaurant with a friend as waitresses. It is fun, but very tiring. I don’t see the month pass, and I am already moving again to another town. Goodbye Toulouse, Bordeaux here I come. I arrive in Bordeaux sans flat… so like any good natured hobo, I sleep on my friends’ couch for about 2 months. Around this time, I met some guy on the internet. He seems nice, I enjoy chatting with him… and then he suddenly decides we can’t talk anymore (I will admit… I still don’t understand what the frack happened there !). In any case, we are now in October, and I have a place to live end of the month! On the seventh of October, I get a call from my mother, who announces the death of a friend. I have not known many people that have died, but I feel heartbroken. I cry and cry. For some reason, I feel like moving around so much, changing towns, cities, countries and meeting new people, I end up saying more goodbyes than hellos. Jane Doe and I have been at our new university, and I have met some amazing new people, a few I know I will be friends with for a long time. I cannot forget the past, but I decide to continue, because this is one of life’s curve balls, and I know that I need to pick myself up again, and see all the greatness in the world. 

November is “move in” time. The apartment is far too big for my little old self, so I fill it with art. I have parties, we meet new people. I get a job interview for a pub. They like me and I’m hired. I also get a letter from the Musée d’Aquitaine in Bordeaux offering me a two month work experience placement! Joy indeed. December is here, I need to buy presents and I spend far too much money on my parents, but they have made so many sacrifices, that I just want to spoil them. December is nearly gone, and it’s the 25th. I turn 23. Then it’s the 31st. A friend and I order sushi and we see the new year in sober, but that’s exactly how I want it to be.

This year has been a real eye opener. 2011 was the year of “goodbyes”. 2012 I have decided will be the year of big decisions and “hellos”. I don’t want to say anymore “goodbyes”. So I have decided to live forever. Become a millionaire, and travel the world saying hello. I will never say anymore “goodbyes,” and just say  “see you laters”. I don’t want to make any new year resolutions, because I know I won’t stick to any of them, but I also know that you can’t predict what is going to happen next, so why try and pretend we are prepared for what is going to happen, and just continue biting our nails, smoking cigarettes, sleeping around, gaining weight etc. Let’s just live life, try our best and stay true to ourselves. Yes it’s corny. Yes you’ve heard this a million time. But we all know that the same shit always happens again and again, so let’s be mentally prepared this year.

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Filed under Beginnings!, Christmas, Family, France, Friends, Goodbye, Happiness, Hello?, Sadness, Sweden, Uncertainty

Change is Gunna Come…


Today is my last day in my degree course. If everything goes well, I shall soon be a fully fledged bachelor. I will have spent 3 years studying for a history degree. In vain? That is an important issue. Not one I shall talk about today though. Today, feels like change is coming. Another beginning is coming. I’m glad of the person that I have become. I undoubtably have made errors and I am far from being perfect, but I accept those mistakes without batting an eyelid. Why? Because I have learnt something from everything. You can’t deny that you don’t learn from the past, at least that’s why I started to study history. I’m studying history because I like to think that I can make a small, even minute difference. War for example is never an answer, at least not one that should be taken lightly.

Are you ready for the puppet show?

I have learnt also that history isn’t a chronological list of the most important events that have changed the world. I mean sure, WW2 sent gigantic shock waves through the collective psyche… but it hasn’t changed anything in the way people act when there is discord. Again and again do we all read about such and such atrocity that has been committed across the globe. Even if it is unlikely that a historian will be the one standing up and fighting to stop such actions, I honestly believe we are here to show own our errors, and hopefully learn from them. The same actions do not give the same consequences. Life and history isn’t mathematics. Never do we see the same consequences come from the same actions. They may be similar (no food, famine = revolts) but not all revolts turn into revolution, for example, but are never the same. It goes to prove that however way we see “world history”, we as humans are not in a cyclican vision of history, we are in a world of our own making, utter, and extremely comforting chaos.

CHAOS

I love that world. It is really comforting to think that whatever way you see it, we are in control of what we are doing, because if we didn’t view it that way, we would be the puppets in a giant puppet show. For ever perpetrating the same mistakes… but most importantly if we didn’t live in this chaos… are we thus destined to do what we are doing? Do we then justify the many wars and deaths that have come to past? Is there nothing we can do to stop a possible WW3 from ever taking place…. if it in fact written in our futures?

Just like in Greek mythology, are the three “parques” forever cutting the strings that is our own lives? Do we not control our own destiny? I like to think we are. Otherwise all the past pain and sufferings are in fact justified… and thus are deemed “ok” (to put it blandly).

I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that today, is the first day of a new life. A life that I am fully in control of. For most of my life I have done what I have always wanted… and I’ll be damned if there is something or someone in control of my life that isn’t me. Yes, it is probably evident that a “God” isn’t in my own future… but I don’t want to even think of a God… I want to think purely of what is a solid huma history. History is by definition the written word of humans. Before writing and before humans, it is not deemed as history, but pre-history.

So today, I think we should all take heed, be in control of our own destinies. Today, change is gunna come. But make sure it is you in the driving seat, and that you are in control of your own life. Because no one wants a pussy. 🙂

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Filed under Beginnings!, Culture, Happiness, Hate!, History, Politics, Society, Uncertainty

Stop Playing Games and Roll the Dice!


NO! I AM THE WINNER! YOU ARE TOTALLY CHEATING AT MONOPOLY! YOU ONLY TAKE 200€ WHEN YOU PASS GO NOT 500€!!!

Green Light? Or Red Light? When the fuck do I go?

Ok, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. But it is I must say, along the same vein… I think by now, you, my very few readers have at least gotten to know me a bit better… and you must have at least realised that I am a “no nonsense kinda gal”. Actually, scrap that, I am a girl, no woman and I always want the best, and don’t usually say no for an answer. I am an independent do-it-yourself-or-shut-the-fuck-up kinda girl/woman. I’m the girl who knows usually what she wants, and tries her best to get it. No one would deny that I am not passionate. It is one of the first thing people notice about me (at least when I’m talking about something I am interested in). I’m also realistic. And as sad as it is to admit it, I’m afraid readers… for those who haven’t met me, I’m not Scarlett Johansson… sadly! I’m not an ugly herring either… so don’t start imagining me as some Susan Boyle lookalike. My eyebrows are perfectly plucked, and I take care of myself… I am however not super thin. I know, but for my defence… I spend most of my time in front of my computer… reading… and well I hate most sports (at least the ones you do alone!) 

Ha sorry for the crude joke, but it was too easy. In any case. Let’s get to the point of this post :

Men playing games or shall I say “mind games”. Now don’t get me wrong, most women apparently do this. I don’t. I seriously have no idea how to play these games. I’m the talkative funny girl, not the mysterious blond woman in the corner who sips on vermouth and bats her eyelashes in a mans direction. Nope. when I’m interested, I’m more or likely going to tell you at some point… or get drunk and watch you flirt with other girls until I crawl crying home with a one night stand on my arm (ok not ALL the time, but sometimes a least!). I’m not proud of everything I’ve done… but in my case, I attract guys I am not interested in, I think because I show little interest… but because I am not a bitch, I talk to these guys anyway. Not because I want to dance the naked dance with them under the sheets, but in fact because, well why not talk to somebody? I love talking to people. I talk all the time. To everyone. Problem is… I’m thinking that guys actually want girls who are more “unavailable” to them. 

I’m totally serious. If I think back. All the guys I’ve treated like shit. Ignored. Insulted… have all come back! Seriously… I have even dumped someone DURING sex. Yes. Yes I admit it. (for my defence, he was very very bad, and I was tired and had really had enough of him telling me how awesome he was… the result now, is that he calls me twice a month wanting to go out for a drink. Don’t you think he would have got the message by now? Well apparently not.) Now while that was not my proudest moment it does prove one thing. 

Guys want girls they can’t get. They want a mountain to climb. They want it hard, and the don’t want it fast. 

Apparently.

Now I will also concede that if a guy really really likes you, he “will-make-it-happen”, no matter what. But, what happens to all the other guys who likea girl, but are not really fussed/crazy about her yet/not sure etc.? I mean… not all guys are crazy about a girl in the beginning, I can “totes” get that. But seriously… what I don’t understand… why would a guy talk to you every time you go online… then not speak to you (or reply to the super cute email you send them!) and then ask you out on a date? I’m getting very mixed signals. I’m not sure if he likes me… or likes me not ! How very 17th century I am! (don’t worry I won’t start reciting poetry!) 

He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not… He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not… He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not… He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not…

So… when do we know when a man’s playing a game or when he’s not interested? I think it’s hard to say. I suppose we women should stop over analysing every thing a guy does. Take the plunge, do what feels natural, even if a bit of mystery never hurt anyone! I honestly believe that you should go on dates. Ask a guy out, try new things. But be honest. If after 2 days, you are still not sure, then ask the guy! No one wants to waste their time! So I say, take control… you roll the dice and see what happens! (and maybe listen to that Finley Quay Song “Dice” too!) 

Roll the Dice!

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Filed under Clichés, Culture, Games People Play, Hate!, Love, Men vs. Women, Poems, Sex, Society, Uncertainty

Unspecific Gender Satisfaction… No One’s Getting Any…


For once. I’m not even talking about sex. Well… not directly at least. Yes, yes I am aware my latest posts have been… popular culture orientated… but that is mostly due to the fact that I haven’t got much time to research or travel lately… So unless you want a rehashing of what’s happening on the news, relationship advice is what you are all getting!

Satisfaction… what is it? Well… let me look on my trendy and useful dictionary !

Satisfaction…

In other words… satisfaction comes down to “fulfilment”… if only it was that easy! Because, satisfaction is a more complicated concept. In order to be deemed “satisfied” one has to know what they want… and for many of us, that is the problem. Of course if I walk past a bakery and I see a chocolate cake it’s easy to say “mmm that looks delicious, I’m going to buy it and eat it”. Thus, satisfaction here is obtained not only by the purchase of the cake, but also its consumption. But, is it possible to have what we want… and still be unsatisfied?

To quench ones thirst, one must drink. But does that mean that after we have drank that we are left not wanting more? The problem really is if we are satiated… or even worse. I have my cake… I have eaten it (or drank my glass of water) but if I see something I want more/better… am I still quenched or will I always need more?

This is desire.

Satisfaction and desire is thus intertwined… as well as the sensation of fulfilment.

What I have noticed lately is how the human race toys with each other forever wanting and abandoning what they no longer desire. It is no longer about having ones cake and eating it so to speak, but it is far worse. We are no longer “happy” with what we can have, or what we see. We forever want what we cannot have, or even unhappy once we have what we previously wanted. Love, sex, relationship, men, women… everything is now at risk of this.

In other words, girl meets guy. Both girl and guy like each other, but in order to not seem too keen (for example) both play a game of cat and mouse. Guy chases girl. She pretends to be uninterested. Guy stop chasing girl. Girl is disappointed that the guy has stopped playing. She starts chasing Guy. Guy stops reacting… When does the game stop? Seriously. This situation is absolutely ridiculous. BUT WE ALL DO IT! Everyone has the same “social makeup”. We all want what we can’t have, and as soon as we get it… we no longer want it. This particular example, I’m living it RIGHT NOW! It’s annoying. Boy starts to act very “aloof”… and Roxy starts to wonder if guy doesn’t liker her any more… and spends the day waiting and watching to see him online in the hpe that guy will talk to her.

He doesn’t.

And so continues the game… until one of the participants thinks “Argh this is no longer worth my time”. And promptly gives up. The sad thing is this situation, is that there could be more than one reason for the game. Here are the solutions (in case you didn’t already know)! :

1) He is STILL playing the “I’m-going-to-pretend-I-don’t-really-like-you-to-keep-you-keen” game,
2) He has gotten bored and is no longer interested,
3) He was just playing in the beginning to see the reaction of the girl,
4) Or… out of pure sport

In other words… either he likes you… or he doesn’t. But the problem here is not just the premise of the game but the fact that we all crave the drama.  Men, women everyone loves it. We lap it up all the time. Why do you think stupid soap operas are popular? Everyone knows the stories are insane and pushed to the limit of the possible and the probable… but we all love it. We love it because we like the chase. We all want to feel desired. We all want to feel the satisfaction of winning. We love the romance, and more importantly… without the chase, love and lust would be boring. Even I will admit that it isn’t sexy if a guy comes up to you and tell you he wants to “go out with you/make out/have sex” etc. Every girl will prefer waiting at the bar and being bought drinks while a man flirts. She is most of the time uninterested… but hey, who says no to free drinks? Not many. Since the dawn of time there has been “courtship”… and yeah sure, we no longer are princesses waiting to be married off to some prince… but we still want the guy to run after us (and vice-versa).

That said, there is a problem we should elucidate… we may all like the drama… but we should all learn that there’s no point to games. Stop before the games get boring. For me… this guy may be busy, but I’m too old (ok I’m 22… but I’ve been at this quite a while now!) to be strung along for no reason… so I have sent my last email… now the balls’ in his court. We may all have the idea that we have to fight for love, and I am the first to admit that if I like someone, I want them to know. But no one wants to go on a fools errand. We all get to that point where we become Ponce Pilate. You know who I’m talking about. The guy who washed his hands when asked to make a judgement on what should be done about Jesus. Well, everyone has a limit, and when you get to that limit… everyone washes their hands.

Even though my hands are still dirty, I’m going to wait a little longer. But, will I be satisfied if I get what I want? Who knows. All we can do is try!

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger...

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Filed under Happiness, Hate!, LOL, Love, Men vs. Women, Politics, Society, Uncertainty

What Do We Want ? Boobs, Brain or Brawn ?


Seriously… why are we never happy? Do we desire only the things we cannot intimately have? Is that how the human race has become? An unhappy mass of people… wanting everything they can’t have? It seems so… but when looking for the perfect mate… what do we look for? Sure… we look at physique… and sure… new discoveries have shown us that we love large hipped women for they aptitude at “baby-masking”… and we like tall me… for the same reason (well more… that their sperm is apparently “really good quality”… I suppose like some sort of fine wine… one that said, does not age well!). In any case, we humans seem to be programmed to like or at least to be attracted to certain other humans (be they of the same, or different sex). But is it all… biological? How sexy is saying “mmm babe, your pheromones sure make me want to bump uglies with! Our children will probably live past the age of 5!”

Sexy? Yeah, I didn’t think so! Now, I’m no “scientist”… which is clear to all those who have met me… I’m may have glasses but I’m no science nerd! But it seems a bit depressing to me that all “love” is… is a chemical reaction! What is “real” attraction? What do we want in the 21st century? Has it changed that much for previous centuries?

We all have an idea of what we like in a man/woman… (for future reference I shall say “men” because I am a heterosexual woman… but please, replace by whatever gender you so wish! No discrimination here please!) but as everyone knows… we can dilly dally of that invisible “line” whenever we want… For me… I’ve always had a big thing for tall, dark haired, skinny guys… and I quite like men with something “different” about them, be it glasses, a big nose or wonky teeth! Now I do realise that this is far from what many women would call “sexy”. I agree… but should I say… we all have different tastes! And thank god we do! But… I have also dated small dark haired men… and blond beefy guys (that was a big mistake!). Does that mean I am in fact attracted purely by biological means or do I have a say in what I like? I like to think we do… if hormones and physical attributes play a part… it would be ridiculous to believe that everything is black and white… there is always many different shades of grey hidden in there too!

 

Brains... or Brawn?

Anyway… while “surfing” the internet (please don’t read “looking-at-porno-sites” here) I stumbled upon many a “forum” that mention what is important… and well I have been asking a fair few friends lately what is more important to them… do we categorise the people we meet… and decide whether or not we are attracted to them depending on say…. “Boobs, Brain or Brawn”?

I am lucky enough to have a perfect example here to tell you all about! (how lucky!). I have met a certain “gentlemen” lately… we shall call him… “M” ok? We met, we talked… and after a particularly interesting conversation he told me where he lived… and he asked me if I had ever been there. I had (once I must mention) and I told him that I thought it was a very pretty town… but that there were a lot of unattractive military men there… He then after a few hours mentioned that he was… yes… yes you guessed it… in the army! Ha ha ha! All I could think was “well done Roxy, now you have put your foot in it!” In any case, this guy… is FAR from what I go for (he’s “brawn”… I go for “brains”)… and well not having any preconceived ideas on the army, I was sure to go around and ask all my friends… and what I discovered wasn’t great. The French army has the reputation of (the men I mean) being mad sex obsessed pigs. Who frequently cheat on their wives/girlfriends. They are apparently very racist and… well aren’t very intelligent… see here “big muscles, no brain”.  Now i am a very tolerant person. No really. I am. I love people. But… I started to doubt this guy. Was this “cultured army guy” all an act to get in my pants? Of course there is no no surefire way of knowing… until we meet up again and see what’s really on his mind. (Which… I will probably do). But this leads to a interesting issue. What is more important? Boobs, Brain or Brawn?

This guy… seems to have brains and brawn… but is it possible that a mans job, that solely consists of “muscle”… is a secret “Baudelaire”? Am I the kind person who would discriminate? I’m embarrassed to admit it… but I have never cared to the “muscular” man… nope… Arnold Schwarzenegger is NOT my dream man… my dream man is… mmm… I don’t quite know… but I know that he is more of the “intelectual” persuasion.

That said… can I not have a bit of fun with a guy like this? I’m not quite sure… he may be using me… but do I want to be using him? Am I the intellectually minded girl who wants a “ruff and tumble” with the local farm-boy (to excuse the metaphor… but I believe it is pretty apt here… in reference to the brawn part I mean). I feel like… a cougar looking for a young… muscular play thing! I mean… sure even in this situation… there are theoretically no real “losers” but I don’t feel that…. I’m that “kinda gal”. I mean… I’ve had sex. I have lot’s of sex (now I sound pompous, that’s not the point! I just want to illustrate a point). I can sort of… live with out “anonymous random teenage sex”. I’m 22. I like to think I’m pretty mature for my age… but it seems that at my age I’m already a cynic. I actually think that every guy who’s interested in my wants just one thing… and don’t they?

Doesn’t every guy just want boobs? And every girl either brains or brawn?

I’m at an age that I’m not sure what I really want… but I don’t think I want to get on “every horse” and try “every toy” out. If ou choices are limitless… aren’t we given too much choice? I want les choice… more… quality?

In any case… we shall see what happens… in any case… I’m still unsure what to do! I want to say “Carpe Diem”… seize the day… do anything and everything you want… but part of me says “Roxy… you’re no whore… do you really need another buy in your bed?”

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