What it really is

I realised today what true love really is. Love is that utter feeling of dependance on one person. That realisation that your happiness depends on one person, and that isn’t right. For me, it’s a 60/40 thing. My happiness depends one others (including the person I love on a 60% mark, whereas 40% depends on me, and how I make myself happy. And I realised something today. That every time he does something not nice to me, I’m no long angry like I used to me, I’m just disappointed. Disappointed that he can treat me this way. It’s sad, because I know in my heart that I am the best thing that could ever happen to me. I know I would and could make him so happy, but I realise he doesn’t want me. I’m not the one he will ever care for, and he just doesn’t care. It breaks my heart because when I look at him, i can see the potential in him. I can see under the skin and see how amazing he truly is. But he can’t. He hates himself, and without saying it himself, he does not maybe hate me, he just doesn’t care. I am nothing to him.

I know he can no longer break my heart like he did before, but he makes my heart ache. It aches because it doesn’t know how much it can take anymore.

Lately, I will ask to see him, he says he will get back to me, but doesn’t. You can help but think, he doesn’t care, because if it really came down to it, if he wanted to see me, he would make it happen. So, since he doesn’t see me, it’s because he doesn’t want to. I love him more than air, but he sadly doesn’t care for me.


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I’m officially nearer 30 than I am to 20. 26 years old. Nothing has changed. xxx

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To love and to listen

I was thinking the other day about the concept of love. In the sense, how do you know you are in love? Really? It is really just endorphins in the brain? Is it society telling you that you need to be in love to have succeeded in life? Is love another desire that you can’t fully obtain? Is it the guy or girl running after someone who doesn’t care? Is it the passion one has for a single person?

It’s many of these things, because love is an emotion that one can compare to fruit varieties, in my opinion. There all apples (for example) but they are all different. It’s the same with love. Except that sadly, you can sometimes love someone so hard it hurts, as though you’re looking at the sun and your eyes are burning, but you know it’s worth it. That’s why, with hindsight I don’t regret any of the past few months. I mean sure, nothing turned out like I’d hoped (and for the weirdest reason) but in the end I felt something. Love is one of those emotions which gives you drive. The drive to be a better person, to work harder, to be dressed well, have great make up… everything. You want them to notice you every time you leave the house. It wasn’t the case for me, I was invisible, but for the few months it lasted, it made me into a busy organised weirdo. And yeah, sometimes he invaded too much of my mind, but that’s what love is isn’t it?

But not to write a mega long post today, I realised that when you love someone or respect them, you listen to what they have to say. People are generally surprised when I remember information they’ve told me, even months, years before… but I remember because I like/love these people, and with the respect that I owe them, I remember. Not that I want to talk about the past again, but while I was chatting with a ex person, I realised he didn’t remember anything about me. He knew my name, where my house was and my age. And I knew everything he had ever told me about him, and sure, maybe because he’s clearly an alcoholic so his memory is impeded, I realised he never cared and didn’t bother trying to learn anything about me. So in the end, I suppose that love is listening. It’s all about that desire to get to know someone so badly that you hand on to their every word, every breath. You want to know who they really are, so every effort is towards them. But just like looking in the sun for too long, you eventually see they light and you realise that you just got burned.


“You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”
– Oscar Wilde

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Yeah Yeah Yeah

Ok. Tiny update on me. This weekend, at party number one (this was saturday, I had two parties to go to), my eyes start to fuck up. Green shit coming out… so I’m starting to get a bit scared, coz no one likes green eye bogies… by the time i get to party number 2, I am so tired and my eyes are now night red… and still green. I go to sleep around three in the morning, and guess what? I don’t sleep all night coz the green stuff closed my eyes up so I couldn’t open them (and thus I had to stagger around trying to find the fecking door to the bathroom to wash my eyes open)… but also to find my eyes were bleeding a bit on the sides… so you can imagine how much I was shitting myself at this point… not to mention I had a four hour shift to go to on the sunday (this is in like two hours). So I clean myself up, get to work, where my boss asks me how much weed I’d been smoking last night (ha ha if only it was that easy!)… the shift can’t go fast enough, I then run to the hospital where it takes me an hour to find the entrance! I kid you not, and where I try all the buzzers to get in, but no one replies until I call the hospital to say I’m outside, and then I get in. I queue for fifteen minutes to get seen to for about five minutes where he says I have conjunctivitis… or pink eye. Not exactly the sexiest of eye diseases really. I think I got from getting my makeup done by a professional at a shop in town… because I can’t think where I could have got it. I’ve never had the before. All my friends keep on ripping me a new one (this is aptly named) since they all say I just put poo in my eye. Which, I know I don’t since last time I checked I wasn’t into having sex and shitting on myself… but who knows maybe now I sleep shit and rub it in my eyes at night. People have been wondering why I dyed my hair black… maybe to cover all the shit in my hair. Ha ha ha if only. Anyway, for now I look like a rapid dog with red eyes. Oh yeah and I’m not allowed to touch people. Great. Great. Great. Only two more days of this shit. Thank fuck.

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I was sort of thinking this other day, that pain, is like a parasitic twin. You know what I mean? Well, you now those stories you hear in the news, about women giving birth to babies with four legs and two heads? Well, I’m sad to say, no they are no aliens, or the reincarnation of an indian god… but  parasitic twin. Its basically when a foetus dies in the womb, and it sort of attaches itself to its twin, feeds of its blood supply (and this nutrients) and survives. Without a brain it is obviously dead, but the flesh lives on and when the foetus is born, it can have extra limbs… but unless attached to the spinal cord, don’t actually work… but they look strange, for sure. But it got me thinking, it is sort of like pain. Pain is that parasitic twin. In order to not feel it. See it. You have to metaphorically, cut it off. Sure it will sting and hurt for a while. But after a while you get over it. Well, I hope it does. I’ve decided to turn a page. I have a job which surprisingly I love, and I get on really well with the people I work with. I also am working hard at uni, and I think I’m doing well (except in one of my classes but that’ a whole different matter). I’m not really seeing my parents because I’m busy, and it is doing me good. It was a bit of a toxic relationship. So all that is left, is love I suppose… well I still haven’t found someone who I want to give the keys to my heart to (I made that mistake a few months ago)… so now I am following the “teaches of peaches” : I am fucking the pain away. It doesn’t erase the pain away, but It does dispel it for a while, it pushes is further away and let’s me breathe a bit better. It’s funny how someone can really take over your whole life. On that matter I will no longer write about it. Of course I still think about it, but there’s no point spending time on someone who isn’t worth me. Because he may not believe it, but I’m fucking awesome. I blocked him on Facebook and on my phone so I don’t have to deal with insulting messages and any more of his crap. I’m sure he will find some other poor sap to sort him out. I would like to say more, because I have tons more things to say about it, but what is the point? There’s no point.


Anyway, apart from that, I will be visiting Portugal this month and I am very excited. Shall put up some photos if I can. Anyway got to go, Mr Z (code name of course) is coming for a sleep over and I need to be fresh! Ha ha xxx

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Look what I have… jealous? ha ha haSid Vicious Baby!

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It’s called music, and it’s just as good as therapy

Lately has been an emotional roller coaster. I hate that sensation, although maybe I’m hypocritical about that. I mean, don’t we all like being kept on our toes after all? No one really likes a life that just floats on by… but can we not have too much excitement? Can our heart sometimes just beat a bit too fast, too often? I’m just tired, tired of everything and everyone at the moment. I don’t want to be alone, but as soon as I’m with certain people, I just want to run away. I realise I’m not easy to be around at the moment, I’m insanely angry for some reason, but as soon as I crawl home, I feel a heavy black cloud over my heat… raining on me. There’s nothing really that takes my mind off anything, apart from sleep and music. But even my dreams are plagued by sadness and dissatisfaction. It’s strange, because I should be happy, I have a great job (but not a great salary), great friends, great classes, hope for a better future… but nothing really fills me up with that pure sensation of ecstasy. But I think that my new investments in vinyl equipments, and new comics that I’m working on are good. I’m finding some sort of solace in work. At least something good is coming out of my blues. Anyway, I thought I’d share some songs that I’m listening to at the moment. Not sure if they are uplifting or depressing, but they make me feel good. Or better at least.

1 – Kill Paris – I do love you                                                                                                                                       (Great song, shit lyrics, well you an’t have everything!)

2 – Lipps Inc. – How long                                                                                                                                           (Time to dance around)

3 – West Phillips – Organised desire                                                                                                                     (Wine and West Phillips, sexy as hell)

4 –  Musical Youth – Pass the dutchie                                                                                                                   (Ha, song of my youth!)

5 – Alice Cooper – Poison                                                                                                                                          (Fuck everyone. You’re poison.)

6 – Klangkarussell – Netzwerk (falls like rain)                                                                                                   (Sick tune. Great live.)

7 – John Legend – All of me                                                                                                                                       (Don’t make me cry… again)

8 – Sam Smith – I’m not the only one                                                                                                                   (AMAZING TUNE! Totally how I feel sometimes)

9 – Sam Smith – Stay with me                                                                                                                                  (Same thing, beautifully sung, and so true)

10 – West Phillips – Sucker for a pretty face                                                                                                     (Fucking epic tune, never bored of this one)

11 – David Bowie – Moonage Daydream                                                                                                             (It’s David Fucking Bowie, who doesn’t love this song?)

12 – Cockney Rejects – I’m forever blowing bubbles                                                                                    (Punk+bubbiles, what’s not to like?)

13 – The Weeknd (Kygo remix) – Often                                                                                                             (My song of the summer, perfection, puts me in a great mood every time)

14 – Ed Sheeren (Kygo remix) – I see fire                                                                                                          (Ditto. Beautiful.)

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