Dealbrakers

Ok. So what will follow is me half-joking, but to understand what I am talking about, you have to understand what a “Deal Barker” is… and who better to ask than Urban Dictionary?

 

 

 

So, I thought to myself… why don’t I make a mock list of deal breakers? Now… I’m not saying I could never date a guy who had any of these qualities, or likes… It’s basically what I like, and when looking for a partner, having things in common just facilitates the relationship! (duh!)

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1) Now, orange juice. It’s all about the pulp. Fresh pulpy orange juice is the bees knees. Anyone who says otherwise should be shot. Pulpless orange juice is as scandalous as saying men can fly. Crazy bastards.

2) Having deformed feet. This may seem pretty obvious, but I’ve seen a few toes in my life (see that play on words there, toes and toads? God am I funny. Argh. Puns.) and there is such thing as funky looking feet. I mean weird curly nails, ridiculously hairy hobbit feet… and don’t get me started on any REAL deformities.

3) People who eat the middle of bread. In french it’s called “la mie”. I hate it. All I want to eat is the crust. IT’S THE BEST BIT. Come on, who wants to eat the pappy bit in the middle? Argh. Makes me shudder.

4) People who criticise drinking Ribena and being 25. FUCK YOU. I love it. Nuff said.

5) I hate big moustaches. Now, I know. I can hear the Hipsters screaming behind their computers… but I’m not saying I hate moustaches. Some guys look good in them, I’m talking more about really big ones. Like… my Uncle Terry. Now, I realise you have not met my Uncle Terry (who is a lovely bloke by the way)… but as a child I remember having to kiss him on the check and when he would kiss me back… oh holy jesus was it brassily.

6) Men with curly hair. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

7) I hate people who say “British food is shit”. Fuck you. You’re dead to me. (Although I’m pretty sure they say this kinda shit to mess with me, but of all that is holy, that bloody gets my goat.) You ever heard of a sunday dinner? Sherperds pie? Scotch egg? MEAT PIES? Yeah, we can cook.

8) I can see a food theme here, but I shall continue anyway. People who drink anything to do with aniseed. Minging. Stay away.

9) Hunting. Do I need to justify?

10) Being too close with family members. Tad creepy. You can latch off the teet now. You’re 27!

11) Being insulted in bed. Seriously. I’ve been asked if this does it for me. No. Nope. Being called a “dirty bitch” in bed doesn’t give me the self confidence I need or tell me that you respect me. I’ll pass thanks.

12) Any guy who takes ages in a bathroom or time grooming. I don’t take that much time so neither should you (plus men don’t need to, brushed hair and clean clothes and I’m already dribbling).

13) Dumb tattoos.

14) Cat people. What I mean is… people who talk to cats as though they are human. Cat’s are cool (dogs are better), but come on. You’re getting creepy. Lay off the crack pipe now and get back to reality.

15) People who eat raw tomatoes in front me, actually near me. Actually all raw tomato eaters.

16) Watching football.

17) Stone wash jeans. They never look good. And it’s no longer the 80’s.

18) Grown men on push scooters. You look ridiculous. JUST WALK.

19) Watermelon smell. I hate it.

20) Roger Rabbit. Scariest movie I have ever seen. I’ve sen in once when I was 5, and I’ll never watch it again. I cannot be with a man who watches this movie.

21) I would say boyfriends mothers. But that wouldn’t be true. Parents LOVE me. (Usually).

22) I quite like being told what to do (in “ze bedroom”… So I suppose a turn off or dealbraker would be a guy who’s constantly asking me if it’s ok. Usually I won’t say if it’s bad, but I will try and help him out if you get my drift.

23: Someone overly messy. And when I say messy, I mean like, shit everywhere on the floor, and like super dirty. A bit of messiness is cool, I mean no one wants to date someone who’s super anal about cleaning and stuff, live a little, but no one wants to date a slob.

24) Gobbing. Come on. No one needs to see you spit flem on the floor.

25) People who don’t like christmas. Fools.

26) Baby talk. No. No. When is this good? I don’t think this is good, in bed, talking to babies, or just randomly.

27) Using the word “whatever” excessively.

28) Anyone who acts likes you’re an ignoramus when you haven’t heard of their “favourite band” (think about it, we are all different, grew up in different places, times, ages, countries, etc.) Chill out.

29) Being mean to animals. Inflicting gratuitous pain is stupid. Only morons beat other animals.

30) Watching clown porn.

31) Actually anything with clowns.